From Insight To Action: Effective Method To Develop Self-Awareness (Self-Awareness Series 3/3)

Developing self-awareness is essential for personal and professional growth. It involves understanding our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, and how they align with our values and goals. By enhancing self-awareness, we can make better decisions, build stronger relationships, and achieve greater success.

Let’s explore practical strategies to help on the journey of self-discovery and unlock your full potential.

1. Engage in self-assessment to increase awareness.

A. Inventory of strengths, non-strengths, values, and opportunities.  Identify what you are good at and not good at. We sometimes do this work when preparing for an interview and find that it is helpful to get super clear, so making the space to answer these questions is important. You can take many assessments, such as Myers Briggs, The Big Five, or CliftonStrengths to gain deeper insights.

B. Create reflection time.  Some make excuses that they have no time for reflection because they lead a busy life and may not view that as productive as firing off emails, but reflection time is a practice that sets the greats apart.  Setting time aside to reflect to get better answering questions about yourself.  What is going well and why, what can be going better, and why.  How do you handle failures for you and your team. When it happens, how do you harvest the learnings?  People who are confident in themselves wonder how they know if something works.  

C. Ask the right questions of ourselves.    Cultivate self-awareness by asking questions like, “What if I am wrong?  What am I missing?  What are five other viewpoints to consider?  David Clutterbuck, Team Coach Expert likes to ask these four questions to increase self-awareness.  How do I feel about the way that I think?   How do I feel about the way that I feel?  How do I think about the way that I feel?  How do I think about the way that I think?

D. Answer your questions.  If you have a question like, how do I know I am approachable?  Aim to answer it by making a list of things you are doing to support the claim (I leave my office door open for others to enter when they need something, I ask if they have any questions in a meeting, I prompt them to respond to my email with any follow-ups, I participate in activities with my team such as going to their meetings and connection gatherings and then ask others the question.  Then you can invite others about their perspective on your approachable and how you can improve.  E.g., “I am working on being an approachable leader, how approachable do you think I am, what do I do now that supports my approachability, and what can I do to be even more approachable?”

If you are wondering how you are progressing toward your goals, such as if you are getting better at listening, you can take time to write out what success looks like and some metrics.  In three months, you can evaluate how well you have done against your success definition and metrics.  Be sure to collect data from yourself and others. 

D. Compare yourself to your future self.  Write a letter to yourself outlining what you want to improve.  Open it in a few months to compare your progress. Marshall Goldsmith suggests thinking about what gifts your current self has given to your future self.  

E. Learn. Whatever skill you are trying to improve, read about it, and observe others who excel. Identify effective behaviors and compare them to your own. Learn from those you admire and avoid the mistakes of those you don't.

2. Work with a coach. 

Coaches help clients see through false notions and narratives to understand their present reality better and shape their future effectively. They can do that by using metaphors, stories, and synthesizing information to provide a fuller picture for the client.  They also ask questions, such as why do you do what you do? Why do they believe what you believe, and how is it serving you now? 

A. Perception management.  Coaches help clients think about their current and ideal perceptions, and their impact. They assist in building their brand to manage these perceptions effectively.

B. Use of self-reflection assessments.   Coaches provide frameworks and assessments for clients to evaluate their skills. For example, using key leadership traits from "The Leadership Challenge" to understand their strengths and areas for improvement.

C. Use of tools. 

·      Johari Window - A psychological tool created in 1955 by Joseph Harrington to help people improve self-awareness and understand relationship dynamics through 4 quadrants: open area, blind area, hidden area, and unknown area.

·      Gaps Grid.  Developed by David Peterson, Former Head of Executive Coaching at Google, it’s a 2x2 matrix that enhances insight and motivation by mapping goals and values, success factors, abilities, and perceptions. 

3. Collect Informal feedback. 

A. Ask for specific feedback.  Seek feedback from trusted individuals in your inner circle such as your boss, peers, friends, mentors, and others about how you can improve specific aspects, like working relationships or leadership skills. Specific questions yield more actionable insights, such as what’s one thing you can suggest for improving my listening vs. giving me feedback.

3B. Anchor your feedback.   Guide observers by informing them about the skills you are working on and asking for feedback on your progress. This helps them provide more focused and relevant feedback.  Examples include - “I started working on a new set of skills that I want you to watch for or A month ago, was working on listening skills, what has been improved? It is helpful for you to guide the observation because they are still in the stew of what they are doing, and they are not seeing the wins.  It’s kind of like when relatives you see once a year as a kid will point out how much you have grown and how different you are, and you don’t see it at all because day-to-day, not much is different.

4. Formal Feedback

A. Run an automated 360.  Collect feedback from the people you work closely with at all levels, directs, peers, managers, customers, partners, and other stakeholders.  You get to do a self-assessment based on leadership competencies and then they also get to weigh in, and you can evaluate the anonymous data and look for patterns.  When I do this with clients, they are always surprised, either by how many great comments they have received, how others have overrated themselves in some areas, and how they did not realize they were falling short of the mark.  It is an eye-opening experience.

B. Stakeholder interviews.  Similar to a 360, but instead of being automated, a coach will run the process.  They will conduct interviews with the stakeholders, ask questions, and then compile a report. 

C. Create brief surveys.  Liz Wiseman recommends asking about some accidental diminishing behaviors, which means that despite your best intentions, you may be having an adverse impact on others.

·      What am I inadvertently doing that might be having a diminishing impact on others?

·      How might my intentions be interpreted differently by others? 

·      What messages might my actions actually be conveying?

·      What can I do differently?

Developing self-awareness is a continuous journey that significantly enhances personal and professional growth. By engaging in self-assessment, seeking feedback, and working with a coach, you can gain deeper insights into your strengths and areas for improvement. Embrace these practices to unlock your full potential, make better decisions, and build stronger relationships.

Quotes of the day: "We learn who we are in practice not in theory." - Herminia Ibarra

Quote of the day:  As you start to walk out of the way, the way appears – Rumi

Question: What practice do you engage in to raise your awareness?  Comment and share your experiences below; we’d love to hear.

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to raise their awareness to increase their performance, contact me to explore this topic further.

What practices raise your awareness?

The Journey Within: Overcoming Challenges and Enhancing Self-Awareness for Better Outcomes (Self-Awareness Series 2/3)

In our previous article, we defined and explored the components of self-awareness.  Now, let's zoom in on the challenges and benefits. 

Challenges of Self-Awareness

1. Ignorance and discomfort.  Plato’s Allegory of the Cave illustrates how ignorance can limit self-awareness and how knowledge leads to liberation.  In the allegory, prisoners chained in a cave see only shadows projected on a wall, believing them to be reality.  When one prisoner is freed, he struggles to take in this new understanding but eventually learns that the shadows are mere reflections of actual objects. Upon seeing the outside world, he grasps a deeper reality.  When he returns to share this knowledge with the other prisoners, he is met with disbelief and hostility.  This underscores the journey of self-awareness: breaking free from ignorance to understand deeper truths can be an enlightening experience.  It can also be challenging because some truths we discover about ourselves can be so uncomfortable that we prefer ignorance as bliss.

2. Varied backgrounds.  Our self-awareness varies significantly due to numerous factors: different generations, upbringing, income levels, values, job markets, incentives, and experiences.  For instance, a person growing up in poverty thinks differently about risk and reward than a wealthy banker.  John F. Kennedy admitted he could not fully understand the impact of the Depression era because he grew up rich.  We've all experienced only a tiny sliver of the world, shaping our unique perspectives.

3. Dunning Kruger Effect.  This cognitive bias occurs when people with low ability or knowledge in an area overestimate their competence.  Identified by David Dunning and Justin Kruger in 1999, it happens because unskilled individuals fail to recognize their deficiencies, leading to inflated self-assessments.  For example, an employee new to software may feel proficient after a brief introduction, assuming they're more competent than others who have used it longer.  This overestimation can lead to mistakes and oversights. 

4. Ego.  An inaccurate self-view can hinder leadership growth. For instance, a leader I was working with had a Direct Report submit a self-assessment on his performance review and wrote “n/a” for what to improve.  When pressed, my client suggested to the Direct the topic of delegation to achieve results through others, rather than doing it all himself.  The Direct dismissed the feedback because he is so talented at getting his work done.  His progress is hampered because he cannot scale by doing all the work himself, he has to get results through his team.  To increase his awareness, the leader then provided a competency framework and clear expectations to get to the next level and help align his self-perception with reality.

5. Defensiveness.  When receiving feedback, we might disagree, believing we’re better than assessed.  For example, someone might think they’re a great listener despite feedback suggesting otherwise. In this case, asking for specific data points and providing evidence from peers, directs, and other stakeholders through anonymous 360 feedback is helpful. Seeing the negative impact can motivate change.  Another form of defensiveness is dismissal.  Some might say, "This is just how I am," or "I've been successful with these behaviors so far, why change?" Marshall Goldsmith says, "What got you here won’t get you there," highlighting that success often comes despite derailing tendencies, not because of them.

6.  Lack of feedback.  Many people lack self-awareness because they seldom receive feedback, especially negative.  People avoid giving bad news or lack the skills to deliver it constructively.  This issue is more pronounced for senior leaders, who receive less accurate self-assessments as they climb higher, mainly due to a shortage of honest feedback and being limited to what you might be able to share with others.  One study showed a leader frequently interrupting others was unaware of it, illustrating the loneliness at the top, where they are often surrounded by yes-people.

Benefits of Self-Awareness 

1. Reduces Stress & Regulates Emotions.  Cognitive psychology shows that one of the most effective methods for reducing stress is to engage in self-reflection, viewing stress as a challenge rather than a threat.  Self-disciplined contemplation of core values, goals, and principles can prevent or manage stress.  Understanding one’s feelings and those of others is more important than IQ.

2. Greater performance, focus, and effectiveness.  83% of high performers are self-aware.  Visionary leaders know what they want to achieve and how their actions affect others.  Self-awareness allows us to focus on the right opportunities and keep emotions from holding us back.

3. Stronger leadership.  Tasha Eurich’s book "Insight" found that internal self-awareness is critical for successful leaders.  They know their strengths, weaknesses, needs, goals, and how they come across.  This is in contrast to clueless leaders who tend to be ineffective.  Great leaders continuously ask questions to diagnose their needs and goals and wonder what blind spots they may have.  Maslow said, “What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself.”

4. Enhances Authenticity.  Nancy McKinstry, CEO of Wolters Kluwer said, “You can’t be authentic if you are not self-aware.  How can you be transparent and open, talk about your goals, or share how you influence change without self-awareness?”  It enables transparency, openness, and the ability to influence change. 

5. Increases humility.   Self-aware individuals know what they are good at and what they are not.  Even confident individuals can acknowledge their ignorance in certain areas, fostering curiosity and humility.  Steve Jobs, for example, was aware of his limitations and welcomed disagreements.   He held strong convictions but was willing to change his mind when presented with better information.   Ed Catmull shared a story about Jobs, who wanted Apple to make the iPad before the iPhone.  However, his team convinced him otherwise, and he agreed.  He insisted that Apple provide the app despite his team’s disagreement.   When the iPhone launched, Jobs quickly realized his team was right and changed his mind, demonstrating his ability to adapt and embrace humility.   

Developing self-awareness is crucial for overcoming personal and professional challenges. It allows us to break free from ignorance, understand our unique backgrounds, manage cognitive biases, and receive constructive feedback. By fostering self-awareness, we can reduce stress, improve performance, enhance leadership, and cultivate authenticity and humility.  Embrace these practices to unlock your full potential and achieve greater success

Quote of the day: “If we think of this existence of the individual as a larger or smaller room, it appears evident that most people learn to know only a corner of their room, a place by the window, a strip of floor on which they walk up and down.”  – Rainer Maria Rilke

Question: What do you see as the biggest challenges of self-awareness?  When is ignorance bliss, or is it not?  Comment and share your experiences below; we’d love to hear.

The next blog in this series 3/3 will focus on ways to develop your self-awareness.

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to raise their awareness to increase their performance, contact me to explore this topic further

What benefits have you experienced?

The Self-Awareness Gap: Are You As Insightful As You Think? (Self-awareness series 1/3)

Self-awareness is one of the most underrated yet foundational skills necessary to navigate complexity and achieve success. Despite its importance, Author Tasha Eurich in Insight asserts about 95% of people believe they are self-aware, but only 10-15% are, meaning around 80% are deceiving themselves.

The concept of self-awareness is not new.  Socrates exhorted us to "know thyself" as a reminder to reflect on our life’s mission and strategies to attain it.  Similarly, Confucius urged individuals to reflect on their values, followed by action steps to implement those values in interpersonal settings.

Components of Self-Awareness

1 Internal Self-Awareness involves understanding who we are, what is important to us, and recognizing our abilities.  It can be broken down into additional elements:  

·      1A. Desires and motives.  Do we know what drives us when we are really honest with ourselves?  We may often think it is one thing, the aspirational movies (e.g., having an impact), and share that with others, but in reality, it could be something else or something in addition that we conceal (like status, power, belonging, or money).

·      1B. Strengths, weaknesses, and capabilities.  Do we fully understand our abilities and articulate them clearly? Are we aware of our strengths and leverage them to achieve desired results?  Do we know our weaknesses and have a plan to address them?

A relevant story involves a businessman seeking help from a guru. The businessman frequently interrupts the monk, so the monk fills the businessman’s cup of water and lets it overflow. The businessman reacts angrily, calling the monk crazy. The monk explains that the overflowing cup represents the businessman’s mind, which is full of information, preventing him from listening.  This illustrates a weakness the businessman may not have been aware of - his propensity to talk rather than listen, hindering his ability to receive wise counsel.

·      1C. Recognizing, understanding, and managing emotions.  Can we accurately perceive our emotions in the moment, distinguishing between being frustrated, disappointed, or betrayed?  Do we understand the causes of these emotions and how they drive our behaviors?  Are we in command of our emotions, choosing our behaviors rather than operating on autopilot and ruminating about past events that leave us powerless? Aristotle emphasized emotional skillfulness, such as having agency in motivating oneself, delaying gratification, and controlling urges to act, and that begins with self-awareness.

2. External awareness – involves your assessment of others and how they perceive you.

·      2A. Assessment of others.  How good are we at reading the room?  Do we have the social competence to understand others’ moods, behaviors, and motives? You may read somebody as being an excellent team player for 1-2 things you noticed have done to help the teams, but really the consensus is that this person is way more self-serving, and only when you are around, they act as a team player.  The team dislikes working with this person because they take credit and share none.   Accurate assessments of others involve recognizing the difference between the golden rule (treat others the way you want to be treated) and the platinum rule (treat others the way they want to be treated).

·      2B. Awareness of how others perceive you and your impact on others.  Are we aware of how others see us and our impact on them?  For example, you might think you're good at running meetings, but others may feel you monopolize conversations and your meetings are not inclusive.  Because Adam Grant was aware of his high agreeableness on the Big Five personality spectrum, he realized he needed to balance this by being more challenging when appropriate.  Instead of just nodding and smiling when students made any comments, he would have a neutral expression, especially if what they were sharing was not correct.  He asked his students if they were comfortable being challenged, showing great self-awareness in understanding how his natural tendencies impacted others.

Self-awareness is vital for personal and professional success. Understanding ourselves and how others perceive us enables us to navigate life’s complexities more effectively.  Embrace the journey of self-awareness for continuous improvement and greater fulfillment.

Quote of the day: “People overestimate what they can do one year and underestimate what they can do in ten years.”  -Bill Gates

Question: How aware are you?  How do you know? Comment and share your experiences below; we’d love to hear.

The next blog in this series 2/3 will focus on the challenges and benefits of self-awareness.

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to raise their awareness to increase their performance, contact me to explore this topic further.

How Self-Aware Are You?

When it comes to habit change, Start Small (Habit Series 5/7)

When you are thinking about starting a new habit, it seems like resistance has other ideas.  Partly because some people devise an elaborate plan and create grandiose expectations.  No wonder it is hard to follow habits when the bar is already fixed so impossibly high before you have even begun.  When we start small, pick one, and jump in, substantial things happen.

BJ Fogg, Director of the Persuasive Technology Lab has spent decades thinking about modifying behavior.  One of his key insights is that when we are looking to establish habits, we want to begin with tiny changes. He often uses the example of flossing. You want to start with one tooth. When you set the mental bar so low, you will likely begin and continue until the whole job is done.  In contrast, by designing a higher goal like flossing for 5 minutes 3 times a day, our brains immediately start finding ways to hack our well-intentioned plans.  It is essential to gain some early wins before you expand. 

In thinking about starting small, here are some steps to consider:

1. Define your new habit.  It should be specific, granular, and accomplishable in a minute or less.  The micro-habit is much harder to find an excuse not to do it.  For example, if you want to build a habit to think strategically first thing in the morning, do not just say, “I plan to do some strategic thinking.”  Get more specific, “ I plan to walk into my office and sit with a sheet of paper and pen at my desk for a minute.”  The same technique works for writing, if you are having trouble writing a book, commit to one sentence or 100 words a day.  When you write so little, more will flow out; the initial hurdle of beginning is the hardest.  After, momentum kicks in, taking you for the ride. Also, we have different motivations on different days. If your bar is only to write one sentence a day, you can fulfill that minimum on tough days, but if you are feeling high energy, you can tackle harder goals and write pages, but you do not have to. Einstein offers a good reminder - “everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.”

2. Pick one habit at a time.  Leo Babauta, the author of ZenHabits, uses this strategy.  He said, “We’ve all had those moments when you want to declare, ‘I will change starting today! I want to go to bed earlier, eat less sugar, eat more vegetables, exercise more, be more generous, call my mother regularly, stop checking Facebook obsessively, hug my children, write a book, and declutter the house.’ And if you try to do all of that at once, you end up failing at everything.  But when you devote your energy to just one change, you have more success.  Once one part is habitual, you can move on to the next shift.  Greg McKeown, the author of Essentialism, would agree.  He states that you can only be doing one thing at a time so what is the most important thing you want to be working on?  It is a simple, yet profound concept.  If we do not eliminate, we become overcommitted and our energy will be dispersed instead of concentrated in one area.

3. Calibrate expectations.  When people get started with a new endeavor, they almost always overdo it.  Their ambition leads them to think big and set stretch goals. But high achievers with good intentions can fall short.  When we tempter our expectations and take tiny steps consistently, we can radically improve our lives instead of mustering up giant leaps.  If you decide to work out two hours a day for five days a week, it may be hard to continue that pace.   If you do not get into something you can reliably maintain, you will not do it at all or give up quickly.  We win when we take the right steps day in and day out, but when we do too much too soon, we see obstacles and falter.  Instead of beginning with a 2-mile jog, start with a 5-minute walk and build up.  Your outcomes are determined by your moment-to-moment choices until they become your habits.

According to one study, there is a reason why 25% of people abandoned their New Year’s resolution within the same month because some change is hard.  We are adamant about change initially and then we lose steam and sometimes try to do too much too quickly.  It is easy to overestimate the importance of one defining moment and underestimate making small improvements daily.

4. Preserve and maintain.  When you are creating new habits, it is crucial to keep a system of preservation in place.  You may decide to work more so you can hit some financial goals, but what systems are you putting in place to preserve your health or protect your family time?  People tend to go hard on their goals and have them consume their life that they leave little time for other things.  It’s another reason why starting small helps, so you can keep the other aspects of your life intact that feed you energy.

5. Start Now.  You may be wondering – when is the best time to start my habit?  Maybe during the winter when you will not be out as much and not be as tempted.  Perhaps Jan. 1st as a New Year’s resolution?  On a Monday?  Any day but the weekend?  The answer – any of those options work, just start!  As the Chinese Proverb goes, “the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.” And, if you’re saying that you already began too late, well, that might be just another tired script in your mind, it’s never too late.  As Albert Camus reminds us, “those who lack the courage will always find a philosophy to justify it.”

We can approach habit change as this complicated process or we can tackle it microscopically.  It is the tiniest sparks that can ignite the most remarkable and most sustainable changes.  Let’s start somewhere, anywhere, and let momentum do its work.

Quote of the Day: “We exaggerate yesterday, overestimate tomorrow, underestimate today.” -John Maxwell.

Q:  What’s the first habit you would like to create?  When will you start? Comment and share below, we would love to hear from you!

[The next blog in this series 6/7 will focus on the power of consistency in habit change]

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with people to cultivate habits that serve them, contact me to explore this topic further.

Now is always the best time to start

When it Comes to Habit Changes, Start with Self-Awareness (Habit Series 2/7)

How aware are you of your habits?  Which ones are the good ones, which ones are the bad ones?   If you could change one habit, which one would it be?  What’s been the main obstacle to achieving the change thus far? What do you need to finally succeed? To alter our behavior, it’s helpful to begin with self-awareness.

Many of our performance failures can be attributed to a lack of self-awareness.  Once we start tracking our habits and making them apparent, we can take meaningful action.  Practicing mindfulness – a consistent and focused awareness will help to identify the initial cue that ignites the habit loop so we are better informed to disrupt the process.  Carl Jung said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate.”  For example, you may be working on not giving unsolicited advice, yet you realize you mostly do it when one direct report asks you what you think.  That is your cue.  Or maybe you notice that in the late afternoon after completing a big task and feeling a little bored, you go for the dessert in the break room or in your kitchen.  Those slower moments can be your trigger for sweets. 

Here are some steps to take to be more aware of your habits:

1. Make a list.  When you are thinking about creating or breaking habits, it is first helpful to make a list and organize them into two columns – good and bad.  It is insufficient to only have the items in your mind, writing them down and seeing your words reflected back to you will help start the process of awareness because we cannot address that which goes unnoticed or is not fully captured.  As Peter Drucker would say, “your biggest challenge is defining what your work is.”  What is the landscape of your habits, and where is the work that needs to be done?  Once you have clarity, you can take the next step.

2. Assess your habits.  If you are unsure if a practice is a bad one – for example, you feel like you watch the right amount of tv, you will want to track your behavior for a couple of weeks to gain an accurate picture.  You may think it is the right amount because you watch it after dinner for about 1 hour but failed to factor in the 15 mins. in the morning while getting ready, the 15 mins. during lunchtime, and the occasional times you need a break in the late afternoon.  Surprise… it is closer to an hour and fifteen minutes a day, which adds up to more than you may want to dedicate.  Do you know how many hours you devote to nonessential work like Facebook or reading gossip or trivial news? These numbers are important to know because as Author James Redfield shares, “where intention goes, energy flows.” 

3. Decide to add or subtract.  You can choose a habit you would like to add to your life, like eating vegetables every day, or you can select a pattern to stop, like giving up candy.  Montel Williams followed the Add-In Principle, he says, it’s not what you take out of your diet, it’s what you put in.  A simple reframe – “Today, I’m going to have a salad, steamed vegetables, and fresh figs” allows him to keep his attention on the things he can do, instead of focusing on what he has to sacrifice.  Some research on neuroplasticity shows that the brain is continuously creating new wiring, so when you lay the trackwork for a new behavior by practicing it, it becomes more robust over time.  When we stop giving attention to the bad habit, the connection in our minds becomes much weaker. 

Be sure to choose carefully.  Most people waste effort on things that are not going to change, they may say they want to work less, but it is clear that their drive for financial success is more potent than their desire for balance.  Choose the habits that you are ready to tackle and are eager to move the needle on because we only have scarce resources.  When you laser focus on one thing at a time, small changes can equate to giant leaps forward. 

4. Make it a part of your identity.  According to James Clear, the first step in thinking about habits is to create identity-based habits.  He offers a concentric circle with 3 rungs, the inner is your identity, the middle is the process, and the outer is the outcome.  Most people set habits because they start with the outside and move inside. 

For example:

·      Outside-In: I want to lose 10 pounds (outcome), so I will exercise a few times per week (process), and then I will be skinny (identity).

·      Inside-Out: I want to be an active, fit person (identity), so I will exercise daily (process), and this will lead to weight loss (outcome). 

·      Outside-In: I want to improve my relationship (outcome), so I’ll say positive things every day (process), and I will be somebody who is in a good relationship (identity).

·      Inside-Out: I want to be a great partner (identity), so I’m going to say positive things every day, leading to an improved relationship (outcome).

If you set goals to change habits that do not align with your identity, it can cause tension.  In an article in SUCCESS, Daniel Hardy notes, “Psychologists tell us that nothing creates more internal stress and trauma than what you’re doing on the outside (actions & behaviors) is incongruent with your values on the inside.”  If you set specific financial goals but that takes you away from your #1 value of family, that will cause strife.  The best way to change who you are is to decide the type of person you want to be and then set the behaviors that serve your vision and prove it to yourself with small wins and consistency. That’s living in alignment and it is a freeing experience.

5. Set an implementation intention.  To build a new habit, establish an implementation intention or a premeditated plan.  For example:

·      When I get asked for advice at a meeting, I will get my team involved before I weigh in by saying: “I’d love to hear what the rest of the team thinks before I share my thoughts.”

·      When I feel bored, I will get up, move around, drink some water, and then grab carrots instead of dessert to snack on. 

·      It is a specific plan of action instead of a foggy idea like I want to be better at not giving unsolicited advice or cutting out desserts.  If you are going to start a meditation practice, instead of saying, I will meditate more or I will meditate every morning, you can get even more specific by saying I will meditate for three minutes every morning in my living room after I brush my teeth.

6. Habit Stack. One of the best ways to build a new habit is to identify the habits that you already do and then stack a new behavior on top.  For example:

·      After my run (current behavior), I will do 5 pushups (new habit). 

·      After I eat lunch (current behavior), I will have a piece of fruit (new habit). 

·      After I sit down for dinner, I will say one thing I am grateful for before eating. 

·      After I get into bed, I will kiss my partner and share words of appreciation.

You can also add the desired behavior to something you already do that will enhance the fun. I discovered this when I started listening to audiobooks several years ago during my boring commute, and suddenly, I started looking forward to the activity because I knew I would have quality learning time.   The same is true for when I go for runs, I listen to podcasts and love the time I spend soaking up information. 

The journey of behavior change begins with understanding yourself.  When you have a clearer picture of your habits, you can decide which ones you would like to change so you can make them a part of your identity.  Setting an implementation intention and habit stacking can make that change process easier.

Quote of the day: “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”  Historian Will Durant in distilling Aristotle’s sentiment on the topic.

Q: Who do you want to be?  What habits do you want to help you get there?  Comment and share below, we would love to hear from you. 

[The next blog in this series 3/7 will focus on the role your personality plays in habit formation]

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with people to cultivate habits that serve them, contact me to explore this topic further.

What are your Identity-based Habits?

The fiercest opponent we have is ourselves

Some of our best accomplishments come from our sheer belief in our ability to get the job done.  But what happens when we do not believe in ourselves or blindly follow behavioral patterns which consistently hold us back?  As a Leadership Coach, I work with people to remove common internal blocks, which could come in the form of pesky GAILS – Gremlins, Assumptions, Interpretations, and Limiting Beliefs. 

The first step to breaking through these constraints we place on ourselves is raising awareness around their existence and labeling what is happening so we can shatter their power.  The second step is to employ strategies to surmount them. 

Let’s look at four typical constraints and explores steps to address them:

1. GREMLINS - You may know Gremlins as the popular 1984 comedy horror film about a pet creature who spawns other animals, some cute and some evil monsters, but the term traces back to the ww1 era to describe mischievous folklore creatures who caused malfunctions in aircraft or other machinery. Jumping off that notion, gremlins are the inner self-critics or saboteurs that pop up and tell us old stories, negative messages, and worst-case scenarios.  We all have them,  they may sound like this: “you are not good enough, you are not worthy, you are not smart enough, you do not matter, what you say is not important, why try when you just fail anyway.” When the voice within frequently whispers these thoughts, we wither, we doubt, we perform less than we can.  We do this because our Gremlins want us to stay safe by playing small, so we do not have to worry about exposing ourselves to new situations and possibly feeling embarrassed or ashamed at possibly failing. The inner critic is also related to imposter syndrome; I’ve recently devoted a 3-part series to this topic, you can explore more here.

Here are some strategies to combat the Gremlins or Inner Critics:

A. Become curious.  Where do these Gremlins come from?  Go deeper by pondering what is at the root - your anxieties, ego attachment, insecurities, patterns of self-defense? What is the profound message the Gremlin is trying to convey? Consider naming it so we create awareness around its existence. When you can shine the light on it, there is an increased chance that it will scatter.  It grows strongest when it is hidden in the dark and unaddressed because its power builds and unleashes in unexpected times. 

B. Repurpose the Gremlin.  While the Gremlin is trying to hold you back from taking chances, perhaps it can be used for a better purpose, such as prompting you to act. Every time that voice shows up and says you should not do something, it can also be viewed as a powerful reminder to do the opposite of what it is saying.  From that perspective, we should thank the Gremlin for delivering a timely message to spur us to action. So, the next time you are thinking about approaching somebody to start a conversation and your Gremlins try to yield you, filter the message to read – “keep going, this is what you should be doing!” Discomfort is quite natural, it is about feeling the fear and acting anyway.

C. Regain control and take action.  Remind yourself that it is just a voice and that you can decide what you will do with that message.  You have the power to choose your response, to take action even when fear is holding you back.  Joseph Campbell famously wrote, “the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.”  The best surprises are found in action and not in theory.

2. ASSUMPTIONS - are expectations that because something has happened in the past, it will automatically happen again. Every time I have given up junk food, I have gone back to it so what’s the point.  My history keeps repeating itself and here is the evidence to show that since it did not work in the past, it is not going to play well in the future. Assumptions are based on fear and are a problem because the beliefs can stop us from striving if we are convinced we will fail.  If we have internalized the outcome negatively, we can quickly lose hope.  In Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements, the third one is “Don’t Make Assumptions.” Ruiz quite clearly tells us, “All the sadness and drama you have lived in your life was rooted in making assumptions and taking things personally.” When we treat these mental constructions as absolute truths, we allow them to rule our actions and shape our words. What would it feel like to break these destructive thought patterns?

Here are some strategies to combat the assumptions:

A. Challenge them.  Do not take anything at face value, answer the questions - How true is that thought?  What’s another way to look at the situation?  Gather evidence for and against so you can expand your awareness. Knowing you have more options available to you will increase your control.

B. Problem Solve. Think about what we can do this time to get a different approach.  As Einstein said, the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”   Who we are now is not who we were in the past so it is vital to think about how we can take new information and apply it to this new context. We are constantly evolving so need to utilize the most updated information in our life equations.

C. Know that failure can be the path to success.  It is said that Thomas Edison failed 1,000 times before developing the lightbulb.  When a reporter asked how it felt to fail that many times, he replied, “I didn’t fail 1,000 times.  The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.”  Clearly, the past does not dictate the future and progress is not linear. When you fail, it means that you are bold enough to take risks and in those courageous acts, you will derive your most valuable lessons.

3. INTERPRETATIONS - are opinions or judgments that we create about an event, situation, person, or experience and believe them to be true.  When our friend does not call us back or a coworker cancels lunch at the last minute, we draw conclusions… perhaps this person is upset with me; maybe she is just selfish or inconsiderate or does not care about spending time together.  It is about the stories that people make up because they may not have access to all the information, so our brain yearns to fill in the gaps. It also speaks to our failure to recognize personality differences and styles. For example, when my extroverted friend is not making eye contact with me because they are looking around a lot, it may have more to do with how they relate to the world in getting their energy externally, instead of my perception of thinking they are rude and dismissive.

Another reason we make interpretations is to protect ourselves.  Melinda Gates shared how she used to sit in a room with experts and felt ignored and that people were condescending to her since she was not the intellectual giant that is her husband, but after years, she knew it was something else.  She realized that she did not know enough science to lead world-renowned experts in global health and that Imposter syndrome kept her from asking questions and thoroughly engaging.  Once she faced her insecurity, she could chip away at it, and begin to ask various kinds of questions to make progress.

Strategies for Interpretations:

A. Anticipate the opposite view to counteract the prevailing negative.  Then name at least 5-10 possible interpretations.  This gets us out of binary thinking and onto more possibilities.

B. Do not assign meaning or take things personally.  Events just are, so it is not until we ascribe meaning do we get upset.  As Shakespeare offered, “Nothing is good or bad but thinking makes it so.” When we learn to not take things personally, we avoid a lot of headaches and it is just a lighter approach to move through life assuming positive intent.

4. LIMITING BELIEFS  - are commonly held beliefs you accept about life, yourself, the world, or the people in it which diminishes you in some way. You may think you cannot be a great leader because you do not have enough experience. That thought can stop you from moving forward and can minimize your potential.

Strategies for combating limiting beliefs:

Challenge the belief. You can ask questions such as - How is this belief true today?  How is it true for you? What is an idea that would help you feel differently?  Roger Banister taught us an essential lesson about breaking limiting beliefs when he became the first runner at age 25 in 1954 to break the 4-minute mark.  Before then, it was believed impossible, but once he did it, he gave hope to other runners.  Just two months later, two more competitors broke the barrier.  Over the years, thousands of male runners have continued to shatter the record, even getting it down to 3:43.

Internal blocks have the potential to prevent us from moving forward.   Once you understand their power and raise your awareness, you will know how to defeat their attacks. A simple shift in perspective can change our day, week, life, and general disposition.  Start small and be ready for significant results.

Thought of the day: “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Dr. Wayne Dyer.

Q: What is your most common internal block? How do you usually overcome it?  Comment and share below, we would love to hear from you!

What’s possible when you manage your beliefs?

How Accurate Are You In Judging Your Performance?

I’m going to go out on a limb here and state that most of us likely know somebody with an overrated assessment of their capabilities. Often, it is a coworker who thinks that he/she is the team’s MVP, when in fact by every objective measure, this individual performs well below average.

Interestingly, this phenomenon does not just limit itself to the workplace, but permeates our everyday life, from family members to close friends and yes, even ourselves. In Jimmy Kimmel’s Late Night Talk Show live news segments, he asks questions to random pedestrians containing false premises, such as their opinion on a brand that does not exist. What’s shocking is how much confidence some participants display in advocating for that nonexistent brand almost as if they were founders of the product.

Is it really possible that someone can be so unaware or even delusional about their abilities? A resounding yes, according to psychologist David Dunning and Justin Krueger who offer the Dunning-Kruger Effect. Their research showed that people who are least competent at a task often incorrectly rate themselves as high-performers because they are too ignorant to know otherwise.

Dunning and Kruger provide two explanations for how the unskilled became so unaware. People rarely receive negative feedback about their abilities in everyday life because nobody wants to be the bearer of bad news. However, if their poor performance goes unaddressed, the cycle repeats. A second reason is that if they are not shown the work of other great performers, they cannot vividly see the comparison, which only perpetuates their underperformance.

Thankfully, there are steps we can take to immediately begin to address our pockets of incompetence:

1. Seek out a qualified mentor or professional coach to keep you in check. If one is not available, ask a trusted friend or coworker for honest feedback so you can get an objective view of yourself. You can even take a 360-degree assessment, so you get multiple perspectives on your performance.

2. Continue to learn so you can fill critical knowledge gaps. You can compare yourself today to how you were six months ago and ask, how much have I improved, how much have I learned?

3. Consider how your thinking may be flawed by asking questions to increase understanding. Perhaps specific responses can cause you to challenge your views.

The next time someone is gloating about abilities that they are still yet to master, ask them about their thoughts on the Dunning-Kruger Effect. It could be the first step toward a more honest assessment of their capabilities and a catalyst for personal growth and development.

Quote of the day: “Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance” - Confucius

Q: What is an area where you feel you may be overestimating your abilities? Comment and share your thoughts with us, we would love to hear from you!

Don’t fall prey to the Dunning-Kruger Effect.