The Journey Within: Overcoming Challenges and Enhancing Self-Awareness for Better Outcomes (Self-Awareness Series 2/3)

November 19, 2024 Regina Zafonte

In our previous article, we defined and explored the components of self-awareness. Now, let's zoom in on the challenges and benefits.

Challenges of Self-Awareness

1. Ignorance and discomfort. Plato’s Allegory of the Cave illustrates how ignorance can limit self-awareness and how knowledge leads to liberation. In the allegory, prisoners chained in a cave see only shadows projected on a wall, believing them to be reality. When one prisoner is freed, he struggles to take in this new understanding but eventually learns that the shadows are mere reflections of actual objects. Upon seeing the outside world, he grasps a deeper reality. When he returns to share this knowledge with the other prisoners, he is met with disbelief and hostility. This underscores the journey of self-awareness: breaking free from ignorance to understand deeper truths can be an enlightening experience. It can also be challenging because some truths we discover about ourselves can be so uncomfortable that we prefer ignorance as bliss.

2. Varied backgrounds. Our self-awareness varies significantly due to numerous factors: different generations, upbringing, income levels, values, job markets, incentives, and experiences. For instance, a person growing up in poverty thinks differently about risk and reward than a wealthy banker. John F. Kennedy admitted he could not fully understand the impact of the Depression era because he grew up rich. We've all experienced only a tiny sliver of the world, shaping our unique perspectives.

3. Dunning Kruger Effect. This cognitive bias occurs when people with low ability or knowledge in an area overestimate their competence. Identified by David Dunning and Justin Kruger in 1999, it happens because unskilled individuals fail to recognize their deficiencies, leading to inflated self-assessments. For example, an employee new to software may feel proficient after a brief introduction, assuming they're more competent than others who have used it longer. This overestimation can lead to mistakes and oversights.

4. Ego. An inaccurate self-view can hinder leadership growth. For instance, a leader I was working with had a Direct Report submit a self-assessment on his performance review and wrote “n/a” for what to improve. When pressed, my client suggested to the Direct the topic of delegation to achieve results through others, rather than doing it all himself. The Direct dismissed the feedback because he is so talented at getting his work done. His progress is hampered because he cannot scale by doing all the work himself, he has to get results through his team. To increase his awareness, the leader then provided a competency framework and clear expectations to get to the next level and help align his self-perception with reality.

5. Defensiveness. When receiving feedback, we might disagree, believing we’re better than assessed. For example, someone might think they’re a great listener despite feedback suggesting otherwise. In this case, asking for specific data points and providing evidence from peers, directs, and other stakeholders through anonymous 360 feedback is helpful. Seeing the negative impact can motivate change. Another form of defensiveness is dismissal. Some might say, "This is just how I am," or "I've been successful with these behaviors so far, why change?" Marshall Goldsmith says, "What got you here won’t get you there," highlighting that success often comes despite derailing tendencies, not because of them.

6. Lack of feedback. Many people lack self-awareness because they seldom receive feedback, especially negative. People avoid giving bad news or lack the skills to deliver it constructively. This issue is more pronounced for senior leaders, who receive less accurate self-assessments as they climb higher, mainly due to a shortage of honest feedback and being limited to what you might be able to share with others. One study showed a leader frequently interrupting others was unaware of it, illustrating the loneliness at the top, where they are often surrounded by yes-people.

Benefits of Self-Awareness

1. Reduces Stress & Regulates Emotions. Cognitive psychology shows that one of the most effective methods for reducing stress is to engage in self-reflection, viewing stress as a challenge rather than a threat. Self-disciplined contemplation of core values, goals, and principles can prevent or manage stress. Understanding one’s feelings and those of others is more important than IQ.

2. Greater performance, focus, and effectiveness. 83% of high performers are self-aware. Visionary leaders know what they want to achieve and how their actions affect others. Self-awareness allows us to focus on the right opportunities and keep emotions from holding us back.

3. Stronger leadership. Tasha Eurich’s book "Insight" found that internal self-awareness is critical for successful leaders. They know their strengths, weaknesses, needs, goals, and how they come across. This is in contrast to clueless leaders who tend to be ineffective. Great leaders continuously ask questions to diagnose their needs and goals and wonder what blind spots they may have. Maslow said, “What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself.”

4. Enhances Authenticity. Nancy McKinstry, CEO of Wolters Kluwer said, “You can’t be authentic if you are not self-aware. How can you be transparent and open, talk about your goals, or share how you influence change without self-awareness?” It enables transparency, openness, and the ability to influence change.

5. Increases humility. Self-aware individuals know what they are good at and what they are not. Even confident individuals can acknowledge their ignorance in certain areas, fostering curiosity and humility. Steve Jobs, for example, was aware of his limitations and welcomed disagreements. He held strong convictions but was willing to change his mind when presented with better information. Ed Catmull shared a story about Jobs, who wanted Apple to make the iPad before the iPhone. However, his team convinced him otherwise, and he agreed. He insisted that Apple provide the app despite his team’s disagreement. When the iPhone launched, Jobs quickly realized his team was right and changed his mind, demonstrating his ability to adapt and embrace humility.

Developing self-awareness is crucial for overcoming personal and professional challenges. It allows us to break free from ignorance, understand our unique backgrounds, manage cognitive biases, and receive constructive feedback. By fostering self-awareness, we can reduce stress, improve performance, enhance leadership, and cultivate authenticity and humility. Embrace these practices to unlock your full potential and achieve greater success

Quote of the day: “If we think of this existence of the individual as a larger or smaller room, it appears evident that most people learn to know only a corner of their room, a place by the window, a strip of floor on which they walk up and down.” – Rainer Maria Rilke

Question: What do you see as the biggest challenges of self-awareness? When is ignorance bliss, or is it not? Comment and share your experiences below; we’d love to hear.

The next blog in this series 3/3 will focus on ways to develop your self-awareness.

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to raise their awareness to increase their performance, contact me to explore this topic further

The Self-Awareness Gap: Are You As Insightful As You Think? (Self-awareness series 1/3)

November 5, 2024 Regina Zafonte

Self-awareness is one of the most underrated yet foundational skills necessary to navigate complexity and achieve success. Despite its importance, Author Tasha Eurich in Insight asserts about 95% of people believe they are self-aware, but only 10-15% are, meaning around 80% are deceiving themselves.

The concept of self-awareness is not new. Socrates exhorted us to "know thyself" as a reminder to reflect on our life’s mission and strategies to attain it. Similarly, Confucius urged individuals to reflect on their values, followed by action steps to implement those values in interpersonal settings.

Components of Self-Awareness

1 Internal Self-Awareness involves understanding who we are, what is important to us, and recognizing our abilities. It can be broken down into additional elements:

· 1A. Desires and motives. Do we know what drives us when we are really honest with ourselves? We may often think it is one thing, the aspirational movies (e.g., having an impact), and share that with others, but in reality, it could be something else or something in addition that we conceal (like status, power, belonging, or money).

· 1B. Strengths, weaknesses, and capabilities. Do we fully understand our abilities and articulate them clearly? Are we aware of our strengths and leverage them to achieve desired results? Do we know our weaknesses and have a plan to address them?

A relevant story involves a businessman seeking help from a guru. The businessman frequently interrupts the monk, so the monk fills the businessman’s cup of water and lets it overflow. The businessman reacts angrily, calling the monk crazy. The monk explains that the overflowing cup represents the businessman’s mind, which is full of information, preventing him from listening. This illustrates a weakness the businessman may not have been aware of - his propensity to talk rather than listen, hindering his ability to receive wise counsel.

· 1C. Recognizing, understanding, and managing emotions. Can we accurately perceive our emotions in the moment, distinguishing between being frustrated, disappointed, or betrayed? Do we understand the causes of these emotions and how they drive our behaviors? Are we in command of our emotions, choosing our behaviors rather than operating on autopilot and ruminating about past events that leave us powerless? Aristotle emphasized emotional skillfulness, such as having agency in motivating oneself, delaying gratification, and controlling urges to act, and that begins with self-awareness.

2. External awareness – involves your assessment of others and how they perceive you.

· 2A. Assessment of others. How good are we at reading the room? Do we have the social competence to understand others’ moods, behaviors, and motives? You may read somebody as being an excellent team player for 1-2 things you noticed have done to help the teams, but really the consensus is that this person is way more self-serving, and only when you are around, they act as a team player. The team dislikes working with this person because they take credit and share none. Accurate assessments of others involve recognizing the difference between the golden rule (treat others the way you want to be treated) and the platinum rule (treat others the way they want to be treated).

· 2B. Awareness of how others perceive you and your impact on others. Are we aware of how others see us and our impact on them? For example, you might think you're good at running meetings, but others may feel you monopolize conversations and your meetings are not inclusive. Because Adam Grant was aware of his high agreeableness on the Big Five personality spectrum, he realized he needed to balance this by being more challenging when appropriate. Instead of just nodding and smiling when students made any comments, he would have a neutral expression, especially if what they were sharing was not correct. He asked his students if they were comfortable being challenged, showing great self-awareness in understanding how his natural tendencies impacted others.

Self-awareness is vital for personal and professional success. Understanding ourselves and how others perceive us enables us to navigate life’s complexities more effectively. Embrace the journey of self-awareness for continuous improvement and greater fulfillment.

Quote of the day: “People overestimate what they can do one year and underestimate what they can do in ten years.” -Bill Gates

Question: How aware are you? How do you know? Comment and share your experiences below; we’d love to hear.

The next blog in this series 2/3 will focus on the challenges and benefits of self-awareness.

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to raise their awareness to increase their performance, contact me to explore this topic further.

Therapists and Coaches: What’s the difference? (Support Series 1/2)

April 4, 2023 Regina Zafonte

Navigating life is not without its challenges. There are times when we need help to accelerate our progress. Former President Barack Obama reminds us, “Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I do that every day. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of strength. It shows you have the courage to admit when you don’t know something, and to learn something new.” If you feel stuck in some part of your life or just navigating a tricky situation, partnering with an ally could be just the thing that helps you breakthrough.

This series will explore four common sources of life and career assistance and the differences between each. The first blog will cover support offered by therapists and coaches, and the second will review mentors and sponsors. While they all have commonalities in helping you go after something you want in life, each has its particular focus, which may relate to what you need at the time.

Therapy

As a coach, I am often asked about the difference between coaching and therapy and while I am not a therapist, in putting together this information, I have conducted research and spoken to various therapists to learn more. Here is my coach's perspective.

While there are many different kinds of therapists and specialties, I’ll focus on a general description. A therapist, or trained mental health professional, must have a license to treat mental health and focus on emotional healing. They can lead you out of a type of dysfunction that is getting in your way of operating soundly on a day-to-day basis. Most people go to a therapist because of a presenting problem, such as a panic attack or crushing anxiety that makes them less effective on the job and in their lives.

We all have a past, and sometimes previous unaddressed emotional issues and key experiences have framed who we are today. Therapists can help examine your history and seek to undo unhelpful thoughts or process trauma so you can move forward. You may discover that you had an interaction with a teacher early on that made you feel ashamed, and even though it has been decades, you play that record in your mind like it just happened and haven’t shared that struggle with anybody else. Carl Jung said that secrets are psychic poison; we can better heal by processing repressed experiences. Therapists explore any family links that may have had a more significant impact on you that you never gave credit to, but it sits in your subconscious and settles as nerves in your body. Maybe your parents told you that you were never good enough, or not as good as your sibling, and it is connected to the lack of confidence you are now exhibiting, which prevents you from going after a promotion. Maybe you only received love from your family when you were achieving something, so you have some self-limiting behavior of burying your head in work to produce results rather than collaborating with your teammates because you find the former to be a more valuable method to prove your worth to your boss, it’s your conditioning from when you were young. A therapist can help you navigate those emotions and illuminate the present better to move forward.

The goal of therapy is to release any places where you are blocked to be happier, more settled, and at peace. At its core, it works on the psychological problems from its source and does healing work, sometimes spanning an extended period. Tiffany Louise, Social Worker and Professional Coach says, “People generally seek therapy because they are feeling blocked, experiencing maladaptive emotional and behavioral health symptoms, and are otherwise not functioning optimally in their lives.” This trauma can cause people not to follow through with agreements or assignments and be resistant and stay stuck. Therapists can help you develop coping mechanisms so you do not get derailed in your day by the incessant ups and downs that can create imbalance.

There are also times when we are experiencing complex life events and are overwhelmed and have a crushing worry that consumes us, so we need to talk about it to process and heal. In a comment to the Huffington Post, David Spiegel, Associate Chair of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Stanford University said "We're social creatures, fundamentally, so talking to people can be a real source of support, and therapy can be an interpersonal laboratory. It's a way of working with cognition, emotion, and interpersonal relationships in a way that helps you manage your emotions and learn to see it from a different perspective." In other words, you do not have to go through a huge life transition or trauma to benefit from therapy. Talking with a professional allows you to get a sense of how you appear to other people, helps you get feedback on whatever you're feeling, and offers insight into how those emotions are affecting your everyday life.

When should you seek a therapist?

You can work with a therapist when you want to gain emotional healing from your upbringing, past trauma, or need assistance with an overwhelming situation. When there are consistent interruptions to your functioning, maybe you feel chronic anxiety or stressed-induced pains, have trouble sleeping, experience changes in appetite, or feel depressed, you can get support. In general, humans are not meant to keep things inside, and therapy can help us in all sorts of ways and can be whatever we want it to be.

Coaching

Coaching is a creative alliance designed to help people move forward in their personal and professional lives and be the best. A coach helps you define what you want to achieve, strategize how to get there, and support you as you take action to achieve extraordinary and sustainable results.

Coaching helps you clarify who you are, who you want to be, and dedicate time to inner work and reflection. As a Leadership Development and Executive Coach, I have helped clients define their purpose and rediscover their passions to have great fulfillment and meaning. Some of my clients feel like they have a lot to be grateful for, yet something is still missing; they need that extra processing with a trained coach who can help them piece the puzzle together. I’ve helped clients create a vision for their lives, so they know that when they take steps, they are meaningful ones because they are in the direction of their worthy goals. Together, we explore their values or enduring beliefs that guide all their decisions and set goals aligning with their purpose, vision, and values. When life feels complex, knowing these crucial elements can serve as a steady and reassuring guide, steering us through the mayhem.

Coaches work with people who feel like their lives are on autopilot and they want to challenge themselves or break out of their comfort zones and stretch to play bigger. They want to tap their inner motivation for a major goal, such as being promoted to senior leadership. A coach offers tremendous accountability for others to get what they want out of life. Just recently, I was working with a senior leader who aimed to be a Vice President. When I asked her what she needed to do to get ready for that position, she was grateful for the question because she never thought about it methodically so she made a list and created a roadmap. Asking her about what her leadership needed to see from her expanded her viewpoint beyond her perspective and created even more nuance to her plan. Coaching is about helping others discover their dreams and uncover the motivation to go after them deliberately.

If you feel confused about the next chapter in your life (i.e., struggling with career decisions, major life choices) and would like guidance on what would best serve you, coaches can help. If your thoughts represent puzzle pieces, coaches help to take them out of your mind and place them on the table so you can see the map to explore the territory better. Coaching is not about focusing on what’s wrong, but on what’s possible so you can get more out of your life and live from a point of choice and fulfillment.

As an Executive Coach, I work with others to improve their mindset and skillset to accelerate their career and have a bigger leadership impact. Common topics I’ve covered with leaders include communication (how to speak with executive presence, how to give and receive meaningful feedback, how to advocate for yourself and negotiate effectively, how to have courageous conversations, how to listen to understand and not reply), how to delegate for results, run meetings, prioritize, plan, organize, have work-life flow, make better decisions, be a strategic thinker, among others I’ve also helped leaders run high-performing teams by creating agreements, defining mission, vision, and values, putting in place systems and processes for peak performance and having productive conflict. I help leaders discover their philosophy and principles that will guide their actions, know their strengths, and plan to address their weaknesses or find workarounds. I also do a lot of work around career coaching by helping clients do the work to get clear on what they want in their next role; I help them create their leadership branding and their narrative so they can speak about themselves profoundly. Sure, we cover tactical aspects like updating their resume and LinkedIn, but I assist them in being strategic about their outreach so they know whom they want to contact to connect with and what they want to say to maximize their time in a win-win fashion so it is an energy-building experience.

Through coaching, I help clients be better learners, raise their self-awareness, and potentially have mindset shifts to upgrade their human operating system. We explore blocks such as nasty messages from their inner critics that keep them from their best life or limiting beliefs and derailing habits that do not serve them, so we replace them with productive alternatives. A coach helps you remove unnecessary obstacles and barriers that you have created for yourself to move forward. We work on improving your confidence and self-esteem and overcoming feelings of self-doubt by revisiting old scripts and updating them. Similar to the sport of curling, we are clearing the path so the client can direct their stone where it needs to be, although the difference is that he client does the work. A coach helps clients discover their blind spots because it is hard to see the spinach in our teeth and it is nice when a trusted advocate kindly draws our attention to something that would be helpful to know. When emotions are strong, we need someone else to see how we think. Neuroscientists call these disruptors. We need people to interrupt our thinking patterns to prompt us to stop and to look at them differently, somebody to help us revisit and expand our stories. Big shifts can happen when somebody else reflects your beliefs to you to see how they serve you and what you want to do about them.

How does the coach operate?

Many sessions begin with a goal or topic to explore and end with action steps and accountability, but it all depends on the client’s needs. It usually includes asking empowering questions to connect people to their passion and purpose, raising awareness of their inner blocks, challenging their thinking, and discovering new viewpoints and possibilities. As a certified leadership coach and thought partner, I’m trained to listen and reflect deeply, always asking more of them than they ask of themselves. I reflect to them what I hear but slightly shifted language. I hold space for others to process what they really think and feel because we do not often create reflection time for ourselves. They have a container to utter unformed thoughts to a coach dedicated to helping them make discoveries to fuel their growth. I also use a lot of frameworks so clients can have set models to work from.

When should you seek a coach:

If you need a skilled thought partner to help you advance on your personal and professional short and long-term goals and you want to be held accountable for projects that you are pursuing, a coach can help. If you are eager to rise in your career and navigate all the pieces involved in the process, a coach can help.

Therapy and coaching are two ways that can help support your growth for greater understanding. While therapy tends to focus more on the past and working out previous experiences, coaches dip into the past but are mainly interested in how it informs the present and uses that information to guide them to their destination. With that being said, many therapists are coach-like, they see clients as naturally creative, resourceful, and whole, and they work on goals to deepen the learning and forward the action. There are also many coaches who are not afraid to explore the client’s full context, including how the past has influenced their current outlook and actions and how they may want to address the wounds. While the brain is a marvelous complicated mess, and sometimes the lines can be blurred, we need different things at different times.

Q: Who do you go to when you need help? How do you see working with either a therapist or a coach supporting your goals? Comment and share below; we would love to hear from you!

Quote of the day: “Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams, who looks inside, awakes.” -Carl Jung, psychiatrist.

[The next blog in this series 2/2 will focus on two other supports – mentors and sponsors]

As a Leadership and Executive Coach, I partner with others to help you achieve your goals, contact me to learn more.

Strategies to Shatter Cognitive Distortions (Mindset Series 2/2)

December 27, 2021 Regina Zafonte

In the last article, we explored 12 common cognitive distortions or ways of thinking that can be detrimental to our happiness and productivity. Experts such as Aaron Beck and David Burns argue that we do not need to resign ourselves to this type of thinking; instead, there are numerous ways to identify, challenge, minimize, or erase these misrepresentations from our mind chatter.

Here are some steps we can take to work against these distortions or unproductive mindsets:

1. Learn how to recognize the cognitive distortion and label it. Now that you are familiar with some common ones, when you start thinking along those lines, you will be able to spot what is happening earlier. When you notice the distortion, write it down. For example, suppose somebody cancels a meeting. In that case, you may immediately overgeneralize – “this always happens to me, I can’t catch a break” or you may label - “I’m a total loser, of course, they don’t want to give me the time of day” or catastrophize – “I am never going to get my shot with this decisionmaker.” Spot yourself falling into the pattern so you can get out of it. You have to name it to tame it.

2. Look at the evidence for and against your thoughts. You have probably racked up support for your thoughts, but what about exploring the other side? Ask yourself, “what might somebody say who disagrees with you?” “How can I devise five reasons why this is not true.” “What if I was wrong?” You can connect with a friend and invite them to disprove your unsubstantiated theories. Just because you have a thought does not mean it is true so invite scrutiny to test your thinking.

3. Run a cost-benefit analysis. What is the cost of believing this unhelpful theory? Perhaps anxiety, self-consciousness, and excessive rumination. How about the benefits? Maybe protecting yourself from a potentially adverse outcome. Which is worth more? Write down your thoughts and get some distance so you can better see the holes in your logic.

4. Reframe. Perhaps you have a big presentation looming and you start to indulge your negative thinking and let it run loose. You get really anxious and determine you are going to do terribly because public speaking is your Achilles’ heel. Remind yourself that you can choose your response. You can transform your state of psychological arousal from anxiety into excitement. What if you viewed this presentation through opportunity googles and not a fearful lens? Things can go well - believing that is more productive!

5. Assume positive intent. When we judge people or assume the worst, we can feel bad about ourselves. Instead, if we make an effort to interpret other people’s statements in their best or most reasonable form, we can inculcate ourselves from some of that draining energy.

6. Avoid polarity thinking. Instead of thinking in black or white terms, think in grays. In which context is one thing more true? For example, instead of maintaining emotional intelligence (EQ) is always better than intelligence, perhaps EQ is more valuable in areas dealing with customer service and less valuable dealing with data. You can generate as many different interpretations to break the binary thinking.

Many people may not be realizing that they are engaging in thinking patterns that bring them emotional pain. When we can surface those harmful thoughts, we are better equipped to fight against them, and live healthier and happier lives. Allow your mind to usher in the productive and healing vibes that will allow you to thrive in the way you can.

Thought of the day: “The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven” - John Milton

Q: What thinking behavior do you notice doing the most? How do you break that cycle of destructive thinking? Comment and share below, we would love to hear from you!

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to explore their blind spots around their mindsets and assumptions to better serve their actions, contact me to explore this topic further.

Thinking Behaviors That Are Sabotaging You (Mindset Series 1/2)

December 14, 2021 Regina Zafonte

Have you ever stopped to think about how your thoughts may be helping or hindering you? Is the way we perceive the world always spot on, or could we be way off and not even be aware?

Psychologists Aaron Beck and David Burns researched these questions and concluded that sometimes the way we observe the world is erroneous because we have negative biases that we inherited from our ancestors who were equipped to constantly lookout for dangers. These flaws in our thinking are known as cognitive distortions - exaggerated or irrational thoughts that can do us great harm. For example, we can view the world through a negative filter and fail to see any positives. This thinking pattern is so habitual that we do not even realize what is going on and conclude that it is simply the way we are. But, does it have to be?

Here are 12 common irrational thought patterns that simply are not serving us:

1. Catastrophizing is when we blow circumstances out of proportion and think about something unbearable happening that we will not be able to endure. Maybe we made a mistake on a project and now think about the worst-case scenario, such as getting kicked off the team, fired, and possibly rendered forever unemployable!

2. Emotional Reasoning is when we interpret reality based on how we feel in the moment; our moods determine how we see the world, and if we feel something, it must be true. We may be feeling sad about our work performance after a poor presentation given in a meeting and then conclude the job is just not working out and we are not meant to be in this field.

3. Overgeneralizing is when we perceive a global pattern of negativity based on a single incident. Failing once can translate into believing we fail all the time. The clue that you may be overgeneralizing is when you use the words, “always,” “never,” “every,” or “all.”

4. Dichotomous Thinking is about having only two ways of thinking – all or nothing; feeling like the victim or the oppressor; you either win or lose; something is either good or bad. Saying, “I get rejected by everybody” or “it was a complete waste of time,” shows an inability to see the hundreds of interpretations in between. This type of thinking keeps you rigid and stifles your creativity and problem-solving abilities.

5. Mind Reading is about assuming you know what people are thinking without having sufficient evidence of their thoughts. “They think I’m a lazy contributor on this team.” We jump to conclusions because we think we know what the other person is believing. We could be presenting on a video call and one of the team members yawn so we conclude that they must think we are boring or do not respect me, but in reality, they were up all night from their new baby and their tired expression has nothing to do with us.

6. Labeling is assigning negative traits to yourself or others where it becomes part of your identity. You may engage in forgetful behavior where you fail to do a part of a project and condemn yourself to be an absent-minded and disorganized person. This can have massive negative impacts. For example, thinking you are an incompetent person can cause a looping effect where it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Over time you will develop schemas about yourself and your prospects and become the inept person you carelessly labeled yourself to be. Engaging in a few isolating behaviors is not the same as your character.

7. Attachment is thinking you “have to” or “must do” something because it is part of your identity. When we adhere to only one vision of ourselves and believe that possibly this one person or this one job can only make me happy, we close ourselves to many other options that could make us even more fulfilled. Sure, living in NYC can mean a blissful life, but so can living in other cities (I think). You may have your heart set on being a teacher because you like helping others, but there are multiple other ways you can achieve those same ends, such as being a coach, a facilitator, working in learning and development in an organization, being a mentor, volunteering, and so on. We cannot be sure unless we approach the situation with an open mind and welcome other possibilities.

8. Negative Filtering is when you focus exclusively on the negatives and seldom notice the positives. Thinking about all the people who do not like you at your company, instead of the ones who do. You may get 6 pieces of positive praise on your presentation and 1 piece of constructive criticism and your mind zeros in on the negative and forgets the positive. How do you take a moment to look at the whole picture and really take in the good?

9. Discounting Positives is when you claim that the positive things you or others do are trivial or do not really count because of various circumstances. For example, disregarding your best friend’s compliments of you because that is what friends are supposed to do. Or, if success came easy then it does not really mean much because you did not have to work hard for it.

10. Blaming is about focusing on others as the source of your negative feelings, maybe you blame your parents for how you turned out or you hold your boss culpable for your unhappiness and refuse to take responsibility for changing. It is common to think, “if this person would just quit their full-time job of making me miserable, all my woes would disappear.” What purpose is blaming serving? How do you start with yourself and your contributions?

11. Always Being Right is the belief that we must always be correct and will fight to prove that we are. In this mindset, we fail to consider the other person’s feelings in the discussion, and it becomes hard to sustain a relationship because nobody wants to be in constant competition. Meir Ezra notes, “The more a person needs to be right, the less certain [they are].” What is behind that desire to be right? What do you win? More importantly, what is lost?

12. Personalizing is when we attribute a disproportionate amount of the blame to ourselves for negative events, and we fail to see the role others play in causing certain events. “The partnership ended because I failed.” Yet, you do not take into account their part.

These types of twisted thinking can interfere with our intellectual development and harm our mental health. Epictetus stated, “What really frightens and dismays us is not external events themselves, but how we think about them. It is not things that disturb us, but our interpretation of their significance.” When we can identify our thought patterns, we can decide what we want to do about them. We have more choices than we realize.

Quote of the day: “The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation, but your thoughts about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Q: Which one of these distortions do you most often use, and when do you use them? Comment and share below, we would love to hear from you!

[The next blog 2/2 will focus on strategies for correcting our counterproductive thought patterns.]