What Burns Us Out? (Burnout Series 1/2)

Covid has delivered rapid changes in the past few years, leaving us figuring out the best way to navigate this different terrain.  One big challenge is dealing with burnout, which is on the rise in many industries.  Dr. Zeina Ghoussoub, Relly Nadler, and Dr. Naim El Aswad posit how common it is in the helping professions, defined as those jobs that nurture the growth of, or address the problems of a person’s physical, intellectual, emotional, or spiritual wellbeing including medicine, nursing, psychotherapy, psychological, counseling, social work, education, life coaching, and ministry.   

Defining Burnout

The World Health Organization defines burnout as an occupational phenomenon resulting from chronic workplace stress that has been unsuccessfully managed.  It is characterized by three interrelated components: exhaustion, a negative view of the job, and oneself.  It is mainly related to an occupational context, and some would argue should not be used to describe experiences in people’s lives related to personal issues like parental or caretaker burnout.

Let’s explore the three components of burnout further:

1. Feeling of energy depletion or exhaustion.  Excessive fatigue of the mind, body, and soul is the natural stress response.  It is the feeling of running on a battery in the red because it will shut down at any time whether you want it or not.  This can contribute to insomnia, high blood pressure, vulnerability to illness, and mood disorders.  But burnout is more than working long and hard and feeling spent; there are two other components.

2. Negative, hostile, or cynical feelings related to the job.  You become more distant from the job; you may do the bare minimum; you know you are not doing your best because you have reduced your level of care for the work.  This dislike, disengagement, and disconnection directly lead to increased mistakes, decreased productivity, loss of vitality, and poor performance.  The mental distance from the job has you doing the bare minimum rather than your best.

3. Negative evaluation of your effectiveness.  You can make it personal, think your struggles are about you, and have nothing to do with the job or context.  You may think, what is wrong with me, why can’t I handle my overwhelming situation, and not want to let anyone know that you cannot deal with the intensity.  The implication is that you have to somehow make it work rather than change the circumstances.  These feelings of despair can lead to a loss of motivation, anxiety, and even depression.

How burnout differs from stress, languishing, and depression

Burnout is not the same as stress.  We can be stressed about a situation and not have burnout, especially if we do not have the presence of all three components. 

Burnout is not the same as languishing.  Author Corey Keyes coined this term, prevalent during the peak of Covid, because it triggered a loss of our beloved routines, connection to others, and a sense of emptiness and stagnation.  We feel aimless, joyless, and experience an absence of wellbeing because we are not functioning at full capacity.  When we are languishing, it seems like we are muddling through, similar to the feeling captured in the movie Groundhog Day.  We have dampened focus, motivation, and excitement for the future.  This general feeling of blah is not just related to work, but to our personal lives as well.  Instead of bouncing out of bed early, we lie there aimlessly.  It can be a risk factor for depression because it stays under the radar and can slowly slip without intervention.

Burnout is not the same as sadness or depression.  Sadness is usually temporary and tied to one specific event, your friend has moved, your kids are going to college, you change jobs, and you feel loss. This is normal.  It is also not the same as depression, which is a medical or clinical diagnosis where you feel sad in many areas of your life; you have a gloomy filter through which you view the world, all is gray, and you have lost all interest, nothing seems intriguing, engaging, or hopeful.  You can feel despondent, drained, and worthless.  It can be debilitating to have a functioning life; one of the best interventions is to speak to a professional to get proper help. 

Burnout Causes

Christina Maslach, a Burnout pioneer, points out six causes or mismatches in a person’s life that can lead to burnout. 

1. Excessive Workload.  This is when the job demands are so high that they exceed your human limits.  No matter what you do, there is this pervasive feeling that you cannot keep up, and are always in over your head.  Your resources (time, equipment, information) are insufficient, so it feels like an impossible gap to close. 

2. Lack of Control.  This relates to how much control (actual or perceived) you have over your work, and how you pick your assignments and choose your work.  How much decision-making power do you have to do things you think are right, effective, and necessary?  How you can improvise, innovate, course correct, and find better ways of doing things.  It can be demoralizing when you do not feel empowered to exercise your best judgment; you feel micromanaged or the weight of rigid policies holding you down.  When there are all kinds of changes made to your project, and you find out that nobody has ever asked you, it can feel demoralizing. 

3. Insufficient rewards.  When you feel like your efforts are not fully matched with the right rewards – not being promoted to the correct title commensurate with your work, not getting paid fairly, and not having access to the leadership team and decision-making.  It is also about not getting recognized by leadership for a job well done or receiving positive feedback.  You may not believe there are social or intrinsic rewards for doing something well.

4. Unfairness.  It is a basic human need to be treated fairly, we yearn for it in our roles, policies, and practices, so if we perceive that this is not the case, it is a cause for burnout.  If we believe there is a glass ceiling, discrimination, and unethical behavior of people getting ahead or promoted by lying and cheating or just by connections and charm rather than by merit, it frustrates us to our core; it makes us feel disrespected and cynical.  If we are innovating and others are coasting, yet we are being treated the same or worse, and they are moving forward, that can be painful.  It is the classic case of you and your peer getting promoted, but they get the corner office, and your office does not change.   It is hard for us to feel engaged by an unjust system.

5. Lack of Community.  Your relationships matter more than you might think.  Do you feel you have a good social support, somebody to turn to when you need help?  Do you trust that others will do the right thing and act respectfully toward each other?  When the opposite is true, and you feel like you are working in a toxic environment where everybody is just out for themselves, nobody helps or shares information, people are two-faced and throwing each other under the bus to get ahead, there is bullying, and bad behavior, it is stifling environment.  If you feel like you are working in a silo and do not have that many positive connections to your peers, bosses, clients, and partners, your engagement will be dampened. 

A big part of community is having psychological safety where you feel comfortable taking interpersonal risks and sharing your ideas and concerns without feeling like you will be dismissed or attacked.  If you see something is wrong, you feel at ease to speak up and offer your ideas to improve things and do not have to think you will be retaliated against.  Your leadership team listens to you and, even if they disagree, provides reasons for their decisions.

6. Mismatch in meaning, purpose, and values.  People want to work at a place with others who share similar values.  They want to find meaning in their work and have pride in thinking they are doing a good job and contributing to something.  If the job requires you to have conflicts with your values and principles, it will be a losing proposition.

From the work I’ve done with my clients, there are a few more areas that I notice:

7. Lack of development.  Experiencing a development plateau, being in a job for too long without encountering the revitalizing effects of your growth.  You have the right to expect that working at a company will allow you to be a bigger and better version of yourself, and when that does not happen, it is disappointing.  Not feeling like you are progressing can lead to burnout.  This is not to say that you should not be proactive in managing your career advancement and expect your manager to do all the work, but there is something to be said for leaders partnering with you in your growth path.

8. Unmet expectations.  If you do not have clear expectations for your role from your manager and find yourself constantly guessing and never knowing how you are doing, that can be dramatically draining and can cause you to feel frustrated.  It is helpful when a leader provides clear expectations and transparency on your performance without surprises so you can be efficient with your work because you know what’s on the checklist.

9. Personality tendencies.  Some people can be more prone to burnout than others.  People who do not have good coping mechanisms, people more disposed to anxiety and depression, and some women who are the primary caretakers.  If you generally have a hard time saying no to people, if you possess a compulsion to prove yourself, or if you prefer to work hard consistently and do not know how to switch off, you can find yourself neglecting your basic needs of sleep, healthy eating, and social interaction, which is a recipe for burnout.

Being aware of the causes of burnout is only the first step.  Thinking about taking preventative measures before reaching that point will contribute to a much healthier existence.

Quote of the day: “Burnout is what happens when you try to avoid being human for too long.” – Michael Gungor, Author.

Q: Where are your biggest job stressors that can most likely lead to burnout for you?  Comment and share below; we would love to hear from you!

The next blog in this series 2/2 will focus on burnout remedies.

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to address burnout and create energizing team experiences, contact me to explore this topic further.

How does burnout show up for you?

Here Is What You Can Do When Your Boundaries Are Violated (Boundary Setting series 3/3 )

When we set boundaries, we can better utilize our time.  Unfortunately, there will always be people who test our boundaries, intentionally or accidentally but when they do, we must be ready to respond.

Anticipate the boundary being tested. 

People are human; they may forget your needs or remember and still ask for things anyway.  The onus is on you to restate the boundary and stick to your preference.  You do not need to make their personal emergency a license to steal your time and energy.  One of my clients used to say yes to her colleagues’ requests, even on weekends.  When she transitioned jobs, she knew with a fresh start, she wanted to be clear about her non-work hours and show up differently.  So when her colleagues would send emails on weekends, she would never respond.  She believed that they would be annoyed or offended, but she found that they respected her more, especially after she said she dedicates her weekends to quality family time.  She rarely receives weekend emails now, and when she gets the occasional one, she does not respond.  You cannot blame others for trying to test your boundary, but you can take ownership of keeping yourself accountable and maintaining your boundaries. 

To manage your work capacity, if you know you can only do 10 work items, be prepared for what you will say when an 11th item gets added to your plate.  If you are visiting a family member who is not the nicest to you yet you know they are going to guilt you into spending additional hours with them, get clear on the right amount of hours for you, and if it is 2, let them know in advance that you will be leaving after a couple of hours and be ready with an enforcement mechanism in case you are tested.  Good boundary-setting is all about informing others effectively and being able to stick to your original plan.

Beware of known boundary predators & have approaches to deal with them.

Boundary predators are people who rely on power, authority, or relationships to get what they want, at the expense of your boundaries.  We may have all had bosses who say, “Yes, take vacation!” then call you the morning you’re leaving to ask you to put together “just a few quick bullets” for their upcoming board meeting.  To reduce the seeming intensity of it, they may add, “it’s nothing formal – don’t spend a lot of time on it” (even though it is not even your job!).  Or the client who finishes a consulting package with you and then says, “I had an emergency yesterday – I know we’re done with our package, but I had three quick questions I hoped you could answer.  Just an email is fine!”  Even though they frame the request like this, you know this could be a 2-3 hour investment.  

Here are a couple of ways to deal with boundary predators:

1. Get a clear, concrete agreement up front on terms and boundaries.  They will not always “remember,” but you can reinforce the boundary when you have an objective way to remind them.  For example, when somebody is trying to engage in scope creep, that is, you have agreed to 10 hours, but they keep trying to add more, you can say, “Our agreement covers 10 hours of work, and here is how I defined that, this request would add another 2-3 hours, shall we update the agreement?”  Then they can weigh their options and decide.

2. Ask questions.  Sometimes boundary “predators” act the way they do because they have poor personal boundaries.  Asking questions helps you to diagnose possible broken systems.  For example, your boss is about to go on vacation, and their boss dumped something last minute on their plate, they do not know how to say no so they kick the can to you.   You can ask questions such as, “tell me more about their expectations and time investments and your concerns with this waiting until after your scheduled vacation?” That may give your boss a chance to go back to their leader for further clarity or to realize the project can wait.

3. Bargain.  When you feel like it is hard to say no, you can aim to compromise.  Referring to the example above, when your boss requests a few bullets, you can respond and say, “I’m glad I make it look effortless, but bullets will take too long.  Let’s jump on a 10-minute call to discuss it and then I’ll leave for vacation.”  Or for the example referring to the client that asks a few last-minute questions, you can say, “These are fantastic questions! I can answer #1 (or here is a short answer to #1), but we need to start a new package for the rest.  Shall I go ahead and send the agreement?”  Again, they can decide the best way to proceed.

It is helpful to think in advance about three boundary violations that might be the hardest for you to stick to and then prepare a short script on how you would respond to those requests, so you do not have to be pressed at the moment, especially if you have lower energy and willpower.   For example, if you know that your boss is going to ask you to stay late for a project, you can say, “I have a family commitment for this evening, but excited to tackle this first thing in the morning.”  If a peer asks you to help by attending a meeting and offering your input but it cuts into your personal time, you can say, “I have a prior commitment, but is there anything I can share with you now briefly to offer help, I’d be happy to?”  Keep the statements brief.   You should also prepare a script for when a boundary gets violated.  You can meet with the person to clarify expectations and reshare your work and non-work hours.   For example, if your peer asks you to do work after your work hours and complains when it is not done, you can respond by saying, “I just wanted to let you know that my availability is from 9-5, I’m happy to tackle this work during my work hours, thanks for your patience.”  Continue to reiterate your message and keep your behavior consistent, so others know what to expect and can adjust.

It is common for your boundaries to be tested and in that case, be prepared with how you want to uphold your commitment to yourself so you can maintain your balance and energy levels.

Quote of the day: “If you’re a giver, remember to learn your limits because the takers don’t have any.” -Henry Ford

Q: How do you respond to your boundaries being tested?  Comment and share below; we would love to hear from you!

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to create winning personal energy management systems for themselves and their teams, contact me to explore this topic further.

Maintaining Your Boundaries Is Necessary

How To Set Boundaries For Greater Energy (Boundary Setting series 2/3)

In the last article, we discussed the benefits and challenges of setting boundaries.  This article will focus on the different types of boundaries and effective ways to develop them. 

Here are some common types of boundaries we may have:

1. Physical boundaries.  Let others know how we prefer to operate in our physical environment. This boundary can include your needs for personal space and physical requirements like breaks or rest.  The pandemic has blurred these boundary lines for people for the first time.  Especially if you are working from home, you may not have different areas in your homes for various purposes – your desk is where you do most of your work, but your table by the window is where you do creative thinking, writing, and ideating.  If your physical space is blurred, such as working on your bed, it may interfere with your concentration and quality of sleep because your brain starts associating bed with work. It can be restorative to have a separation.  If you are at the office, what is your norm when people can enter your private office?  Do you put a sign on your closed door, meaning you are in deep work mode?  Maybe you leave your door closed with no sign telling them they can enter if it is important.  Or when you leave it ajar, it means anybody can enter.  Constructing the proper mental and emotional atmosphere can help manage your mind for optimal success.

2. Emotional boundaries.  It relates to honoring and respecting feelings and energy.  It can include how much emotional energy you can take in and how much sharing you limit with specific people.  For example, if somebody aims to have a difficult conversation with you and springs it on, you can respond by saying, you would like to have the conversation when you can be most present.  Their eagerness does not mean that it has to prompt your readiness.

3. Time boundaries.  This is about understanding and protecting your priorities by setting aside enough time for the many areas of your life without ongoing over-commitment.  For example, if you get invited to a work event but know you cannot make it, you can simply communicate your existing commitment and inability to make it.

4. Intellectual boundaries.  It is respectfully considering the thoughts, ideas, and experiences of yourself and others.  Healthy intellectual boundaries also mean deciding on the timing for discussion. If somebody is pushing an unproductive conversation, you can find ways to say that you can respect you have different opinions, and have the desire to move on.  If they press, you can say, let’s circle back when we have more data and schedule another time for this discussion.

5. Material boundaries.  This is about establishing expectations for how your possessions will be shared and treated.  Being clear about what you will and will not share, and how you expect your items and materials to be treated by others.  If you allow your teammate to use your office for the days you are not there and discover stains on the desk, and it is a bit messy, you can share this information with your coworker to bring it to their attention, share your preference, and give them a chance to adjust.  If they persist, you can say, “I cannot allow you to use my office anymore.  I know this is something we discussed in the past, but as you know, I value it being clean, and the last couple of times, it has been out of order, which means it’s additional work for me.”  Communicating politely and firmly is the best way to go.

Here are some effective ways to think about setting boundaries:

1. Identify your key priorities.  What do you want most out of life personally and professionally to be at your best?  When you name those things that are so vital to you, your boundaries will become clear because you can protect that time, but if you do not know what you want, then anything will do, and when somebody asks you to do something, you will say yes without a clear and ready alternative. 

2. Invest in your routine.  I like what Donnie Ecker, a highly respected and accomplished MLB Coach says about this topic. He talks about having a morning routine that is just for him.  He wakes up and spends time on the things that matter; one is personal growth, so he spends 30 minutes every morning reading, eating healthy, exercising, and doing the other things he needs to feel great.  Then when he goes to work, he shifts gears and makes it more about others, so he does not mind engaging in conversations prompted by others about the weather or hunting, topics that mean so much to them but little-to-nothing to him, so he will engage them for a few minutes because he already fulfilled himself this morning and feels energetically ready to give to others.

2. Label hard and soft boundaries. 

Hard boundaries are non-negotiables, things you know you are unwilling to compromise no matter the circumstances.  Because of their importance, they should be implemented as soon as possible and communicated clearly.  For example, if you know you have your daughter’s soccer games on Friday afternoons, and that is when you spend quality time with her, any meetings or work events that you are invited to will not happen on a Friday.  Instead of waiting for that time to be claimed by another, you can mark your calendar as unavailable so nobody can schedule over it.  If you never release that time and broadcast to others your priority, you send a message that it is a clear non-negotiable, whatever may arise.  One communication script can look like this, “I am offline every Friday after 3 pm. I’ve committed to attending my daughter’s soccer game at that time.  I will respond Monday morning.” As Brene Brown says, being clear is kind.

Soft boundaries (or wishes and nice-to-haves) are ones that you may be willing to compromise on depending on the situation.  They are like flexible goals, you have a direction in mind, but you can be more relaxed about the means to achieve the goals.  Maybe you aim to leave the office at 5:00 pm so you can work out, but you are also involved in an important project that you think can lead to your promotion.  Because exercise and this project are both important, you will make a call depending on the situation and day.  You have an intention but are flexible.  While your default is a no, you can also set criteria on when you would justify an exception, perhaps when it is a short-term situation, it impacts the bottom line, or a strategic client relationship.   Similar to hard boundaries, it is always helpful to communicate your soft boundary.  One script can look like this “I’m hoping to log off earlier in the evening. Starting next week, I’ll sign off at 7 pm most days. I have more flexibility on Tuesdays, but for urgent needs after 7 pm, call my cell phone.”

3. Identify work and playtime.  What are your work hours?  Is it 9-5 and if so, what do you do to signify that transition?  Do you have a shutdown routine and a standing appointment to help you shift, maybe you have to pick up your child from practice or you have to walk the dog.  If you work from home, perhaps you change your clothes to invite more relaxation, something noticeable to shift the energy and mark the end of work.

3A. View your breaks as productive time.  Many people measure their productivity based on emails sent, meetings attended, and documents and decks created, but taking breaks contributes directly to your efficiency and productivity because it can be fertile ground for your ideas.  Setting a boundary so you can invest in your wellbeing will make you better. 

Here are the different types of breaks to consider:

·      Daily.  Making sure you are taking your lunch and separating from your desk and possibly going for a walk.  It sounds simple, but many people cannot switch off, so they work through their lunch, neglecting their mental and physical health.  They also deny themselves the opportunity to step away from their work to spur greater creativity and insights that they can bring to their projects.

·      Weekly/monthly.  Making sure you take longer breaks, an afternoon or day off here and there contributes to your engagement levels.  Do you utilize your weekends properly and fully to disconnect and do something completely different or do you use them to work and catch up on emails?  Are you being intentional about learning and investing in your development or are you doing mindless activities that will keep your skills stagnant?  Are you engrossed in energy-creating activities like applying your strengths to a project that will help restore you or energy-draining activities such as doing only things others want?  You have to be mindful of the work that will charge your battery so you have excess to lend to others when necessary.  How you use your time makes a difference, especially on Monday morning and the rest of the week. 

·      Biannually.  Making sure you are taking vacation 1-2x a year for longer restoration is helpful.  You should know how long you can go without an extended break, and be sure to schedule it.  Although many companies have unlimited vacation time, people do not take it.  Americans leave almost 30% of their vacation time on the table.  For some, it is an inability to pull themselves away from their work, but setting aside that time to disconnect for longer can level up your abilities in many ways because you can finally have the space to think more expansively.

4. Communicate your boundaries to others.  Once you are clear on your boundaries, you should not just assume and expect that people can read your mind and give you what you want, that your boss will not email you after 5 pm, or that your teammate will not ask you to do something that sacrifices your time.   Instead, we have to communicate clearly so others know.  Where people go wrong is never having the conversation and assuming that the other person should get it.   But we do not have the same values, pursuits, and tolerance levels as others.  Their threshold for working time may be much higher than yours, and they may not even be aware they are impinging on your time.  One way to communicate your boundaries is to set an away message on your email, such as out of office (ooo) until tomorrow at 9:00am so people know what to expect.  If your company is globally dispersed, you can also put your time zone in your signature so people will know when you are online.

5. Experiment, reflect, and make adjustments as you go.  It is good to experiment and try many things to see what your ideal boundaries are.  And then, you can reflect on them and ask yourself questions to see if your boundaries need to be adjusted.  Here are some questions you may want to ask yourself:

·      Did I feel more productive and energic at work by shutting off at 5 and being able to go to the gym? 

·      Am I feeling more refreshed when I get home for my partner and kids and giving my best energy, not my reserves? 

·      What positive and negative outcomes have come from the new boundary I have set?

·      What do I need to change or adjust to stay on track and address any negative aspects resulting from my boundary-setting?

·      How do I feel now versus at the beginning of this boundary experiment?

6. Embed boundaries into systems and processes.  Leslie Perlow, Assistant Professor of Business at the University of Michigan conducted a study for a group of software engineers at a Fortune 500 company and tested a quiet time policy where there would be no interruptions three mornings a week before noon and found that the average engineer’s productivity spiked 47%.  When the company made it their official policy, the productivity rate jumped even higher to 65%.  When you treat your uninterrupted time as treasures to guard, your energy levels increase because your work and attention become fragmented, which chips away at your excellence. 

You can always resort to your old ways, but usually, people discover old mindsets no longer serve them for their current needs.  It is important to check in with yourself and make adjustments as you go.  You can see them as a continuum that can slide right or left depending on the situation.  When you step back, reflect, and evaluate your desires, you may discover that boundaries do not limit you; instead, they give you the space to create the life you want to live.

When we set boundaries, we give ourselves power and permission to work and live the way we want and not the way others prefer.  We keep our power when we are firm and clear on our decisions so there is no room for others to come in and temp us from going off track. 

Quote of the day: “No says, ‘This is who I am; this is what I value; this is what I will and will not do; this is how I will choose to act.”  - Judith Sills, Psychotherapist and Media psychologist

Q: How do you set boundaries firmly and caringly?  Comment and share below; we would love to hear from you!

The next blog in this series 2/3 will focus on ways boundaries can get tested and what to do when they are  

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to set and reinforce boundaries, contact me to explore this topic further.

The importance of boundary-setting

The Importance Of Boundaries For Your Energy Wellness (Boundary Setting series 1/3)

A big part of managing your energy is being able to set boundaries.   Author Joe Sanok defines boundaries as limits we identify for ourselves (and others) and apply through action or communication.  A boundary could be how we want our partners and peers to communicate with us, when we want our bosses to contact us, or when we prefer to work versus rest.  It is essential for our wellbeing, yet we often do not do it because it is not a typical skill we are ever taught in our formal education or in our upbringing.  Conversations on boundary setting are also something companies overlook, and yet it has a significant cost on their employees’ wellbeing and productivity. 

The benefits of boundary setting are numerous:

1. Maintain your wellbeing and energy.  Author Nedra Glover Tawwab said, “The root of all self-care is setting boundaries.”  Indeed, it begins with defining what we need to feel happy, healthy, and secure, and working to protect those parts as they can boost our wellbeing and allow us to be at our best at work and home.  Without boundaries, we can feel like our resources are being overextended and, as a result, feel stressed and burned out because we move to the beat of others, rather than our rhythm.

2. Maintains your self-respect.  Keeping your boundaries means you respect yourself.  Breaking it shows that your commitment to yourself is not as important.  One of my clients used to take walks outside every lunchtime for 30 minutes for his mental and physical fitness.  When his colleague started asking to meet during that time slot, he stopped his walking routine and initially did not realize the toll it was taking on him.  He conversed with his peer to select a different time of the day, and when it was fine with him, my client was relieved that he could return to walking and feeling good.  If time passes and his teammate keeps trying to schedule a meeting during that time, it would be up to my client to reiterate the message.  You get in life what you allow, tolerate, and reinforce.  If you tolerate disrespect, lateness, being underpaid, or being overworked, you will invite more of it because it sends a message to the other person that it is ok unless they hear otherwise.  When you set a boundary, you teach people how you want to be treated.  Life will organize around the standard you set. 

3. Can maintain good relationships.  While some believe a boundary can cause separation, it can have the opposite effect and strengthen relationships.  In Robert Frost’s 1914 poem Mending Wall, he writes his famous line, “good fences make good neighbors.”  It is a poem about two neighbors coming together to mend the wall that separates their two properties.  The fence keeps the peace with the neighbors, allows each to be free in their space, and knows that the dividing line will limit any grey zones or ambiguity.  They do not have to expend energy worrying about which crops or land belongs to whom because the line makes that clear. 

4. Protects you from emotional and physical harm from others.  Boundaries protect you from takers or needy people who may not have limits on their requests for your time.  Helping others is essential and feels amazing, and at the same time, you want to ensure that help is not taken for granted and viewed as an invitation to request unlimited assistance.  In Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules For Life, rule #3 is about making friends with people who want the best for you.  He explains how it can be hard to distinguish between somebody who wants help or just exploiting your help.  If somebody is going through a tough time and in a proverbial pit, if you reach your hand down, will they grab it to get on solid ground, thrive and appreciate your help, or will they grasp your arm and pull you down with them, wasting your support and being in a position where you both have to climb out of the pit.  Creating boundaries on what you will and will not accept will protect you and strengthen all your relationships.

5. Maintains your engagement.  Boundaries clarify responsibilities and expectations.  Both employers and employees need to identify, set, and maintain them to keep people engaged, enhance creativity and strategic thinking, and deliver strong performance.  When our time is intruded upon, it can cause us internal chaos and stress, contribute to lost productivity and poor performance and even cause people to quit because they feel they are not set up for success. 

6. Simplify decision-making.  Boundaries help you make decisions in line with your values, purpose, and vision because when you say no to one thing it is because you are saying yes to the things you deeply care about.   It helps you not to invest time in things that do not fill you up.

While clear boundary setting offers many benefits, it is not always easy to set them. In fact, for some of us, it can be some of the hardest type of work we do. Here are some challenges:

1. They may view it as selfish.  Some people are nervous about setting boundaries because they think they are being mean or selfish, that they are just thinking of themselves and not others.  But a way to address any guilt is to reframe the experience because self-care is not the same as selfishness.  Investing in yourself will allow you to maximize others even more.  Also, whether you set a boundary or not, you cannot control what other people think, they may judge you regardless of your actions, so in that case, it is always better to opt on the side of taking care of your needs so you can better take care of others more efficiently.

2. They may have people-pleasing tendencies.  Some people like to give to others because they feel it makes them worthy.  They find it hard to say no to people because they want to make others happy, and be liked.  They equate saying no as disappointing the other rather than viewing it as having nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with knowing their capacity.  Some of these tendencies can be deep-rooted and traced back to insecurities developed in childhood or the way they were taught love by their parents, which is when they are doing things that their parents like (getting good grades and being a good kid), that’s when they got praise and affection rather than being loved for who they are.

3. There may be perceived power imbalances.  Establishing boundaries with those who may have more power than you such as senior colleagues or your boss is tough.  You may feel like it is part of your job to say yes.  That’s understandable, but there are ways to communicate an accurate picture of the situation respectfully for more informed decisions to be made.  You can check out my blog series on managing up for more on this topic.

4. They fear receiving a negative response.  Maybe they have been chewed out before when they tried to establish boundaries and are worried the same will happen.  Or, the stakes are too high, they can face retaliation, and they know it can ruin the relationship and they are not ready to go there so they avoid the situation altogether or comply rather than set a boundary.   Sometimes we lack the energy to have another conversation, so we just go with the flow and ignore our needs because we think it is easier, and that might be true in the short-term, but in the long-term it will have more calamus consequences, and lead to resentment and an unhealthy relationship.

Boundaries are necessary for our physical wellness needs. They increase your self-respect, and relationships with others, and maintain your engagement.  While it can be challenging to set them, it’s a muscle that grows easier the more it is exercised.

Quote of the day: “The boundary to what we can accept is the boundary to our freedom.” – Tara Brach

Q: Who do you know that has a firm boundary in place and what do you respect about it?  Comment and share below; we would love to hear from you!

The next blog in this series 2/3 will focus on how to set boundaries.

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to set and reinforce boundaries, contact me to explore this topic further.

How do you create your boundaries?

Nurture Your Emotional and Spiritual Worlds For Greater Energy (energy management series 5/5 )

Another big part of energy management is routinely nurturing our emotional and spiritual worlds.  As much as we wake up in the morning to think about making our coffee and what to wear based on the weather, we need to apply the same intentionality to those domains.

Here are some ideas to consider to invest in emotional and spiritual wellbeing to maintain high energy levels.

1. Having a spiritual practice.  The way we may give daily attention to our bodies to take care of it by exercising, we can do things to nurture our souls.  Some people have a prayer ritual where they recite something meaningful in the morning or evening or read a few pages from their scriptures.  This is a way to keep them centered, grounded, and connected to something beyond themselves.  You do not have to be religious to have a spiritual practice, for others, it could be reciting a poem, listening to inspiring song lyrics, or going for a daily walk where you spend time on the bigger picture – why are you here and what are you meant to do.  How are you contributing to something beyond yourself?  Find that practice that uplifts your soul.

2. Having a meditation practice.  Taking time to focus on breathing, understand your triggers, nurture peace, engage your wisdom, and cultivate your sense of wonder can fill you with more energy.  Many of us are unaware of how much in overdrive we can exist, so taking those moments to purify our minds, get rid of mental baggage, and induce calm can contribute to saving our best energy and wellness.  In fact, Google developed a program Search Inside Yourself (SIY) led by Chade-Meng Tan, an early engineer who gathered a team of leading experts in mindfulness techniques, neuroscience, and leadership.  The aim of SIY was to help people develop the skills of mindfulness, empathy, compassion, and overall emotional intelligence to create the conditions for individual and collective thriving.  At one point, they had hundreds of people on the waiting list due to its popularity because people experienced numerous energetic benefits.

3. Connecting with others generally and deeply.  Emotional health requires us to link up with others on a basic level.  Something happens when we are engaged in good conversation, whether it be family, friends, coworkers, bosses, or strangers.  Without having regular connections with others, we can feel lonely, which can negatively impact our health; smoking up to 6 packs of cigarettes a day can be the equivalent.  Connecting with our pets and being able to hug and show affection can enhance our lives and make us feel less lonely.

Even though some of us may have a lot of people around us to interact with, they still need to be quality connections.  How many of us come home feeling exhausted at work and have low energy, so we engage in transactional conversations, we zone out and drift from our loved ones because we are not intentional about putting good energy into maintaining a connection.  Worst yet, we do not ask interesting questions because we assume we know their responses.  Deep connections are about sharing our hopes, dreams, and possibilities with others and feeling fully heard.  Having somebody that you can share your strengths, desires, and goals is essential.  You know when you have a deep connection with somebody, are really excited to see them, and leave the interaction feeling even better.  A lot of research shows that when you have a best friend at work, your happiness and work engagement improve.  The quality of your relationships and conversations makes a difference in your standard of living, so when you take the time to connect deeply, it strengthens your energy.  Take that time to grab coffee or lunch and go outside during your break to connect with others.

4. Having a professional support system.  This is essential for maintaining your health and energic levels. Share your thoughts and feelings and processing events with others when necessary can be life-changing.  It is why many people find value in therapists so they can have a deeper understanding of their tendencies and triggers.  Or, why people work with professional coaches so they can share things they may not share with anybody else and have somebody wholly dedicated to their agenda, in ways that differ from what a friend can do.  It is a trusted partner that can challenge our perspectives, illuminate our blind spots in service of our growth and development, and work intentionally about removing blocks and making progress on our goals, which keeps us energetically happy.

5. Have mentors and role models that you look up to.  Connecting with mentors in or out of your industry who have your back, take an interest in your career development, push your growth, and root for your success.  It is also deeply satisfying to identify role models that you look up to or set an example for you to emulate.  Knowing what you value and admire in them can guide you to move through life with excitement.

6. Express your creativity.  How do you exercise your creativity?  What projects do you do which allow you to express yourself in interesting ways?  When you can build, write, design, and craft something, it makes you feel accomplished and increases your self-worth and energy levels. 

7. Play and laughter.  How do you laugh, enjoy, play, get excited about something, and go after novel and positive experiences, all essential for your heart, energy levels, and a life well lived?  When you schedule play in your to-do list, you are energized for the rest of the day because knowing you will do something fun later engenders a good feeling early in the day and helps you radiate positive emotions.  Maybe you have movie night to look forward to with your family or you can coordinate with a friend to watch at the same time for joint enjoyment or you know you get to play sports later in the day.  And when you find those activities that fill you up and put a smile on your face, your best energy will be transferred to many other spots in your life.

8. Create an environment of positivity.  Reading good books, watching good movies, being around positive people, and having possibility conversations can change your mood and fill you with energy.  Also being thoughtful about spreading that positivity and kindness engenders more of those good feelings.  Spending your time smiling will nourish your soul.

9 Volunteer.  Many of us have a fundamental yearning to matter and contribute and knowing you are making a difference in somebody else’s life is a great way to do that.  What are the causes you most care about?  How do you volunteer your time, resources, and connections for the betterment of others?  What are the ways you multiply others’ best efforts?  Helping others can fill you with joy and happiness.

Your spiritual and emotional health matters in sustaining your energy levels.  What you choose to do to invest in it intentionally will pay dividends for years to come.

Quote of the day: “The mind divides the world into a million pieces.  The heart makes it whole.”  Author Stephen Levine

Q: How do you like to satisfy your emotional and spiritual needs?  Comment and share below; we would love to hear from you!

The next blog in the next series 1/3 will focus on the benefits of boundaries for better energy management.

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to create winning personal energy management systems for themselves and their teams, contact me to explore this topic further.

What kind of spiritual practices do you have?

Mind Practices That Will Energize (energy management series 4/5 )

Being in touch with the practices you can do to maintain a healthy mindset and manage your energy will be personal to each person.  If you do not know where to start, you may want to experiment with many different experiences and see which ones work best. 

Here are some practices to test to foster a healthy mindset and maintain high energy levels:

1. Prioritize.  Greg McKeown, Author of Essentialism says, “You can do anything but not everything.”  What are your top 3 priorities right now, and for how long?  When you have too many priorities, it is a paradox of choice, and you can easily get overwhelmed by what you have to do and not know where to start.  Similarly, if you do not know your priorities, you will continue to expend energy on discovery rather than execution.  Those who are laser-focused on 3 priorities can harness their best energy to move the needle, see progress, and feel good about their actions, and that sequence becomes a reinforcing cycle. 

2. Plan.  When you plan your day, you can ensure your time is spent well rather than mindlessly moving.  There are ways you can work better and smarter.  For example, many people find creating a “tomorrow list” helpful.  The night before, you list the first 3 things you will do in the morning and allocate time to each item.  Even if you do not finish the task, you know you have put in the desired 30 mins. or so on each item, which will help you feel better.  Also, you will start your day with intention and not just waste time figuring out what to do.  The idea is to do more energy management over time management.

In planning your day building in margin or white space is vital, so you are not back-to-back and have no time for those deliberate moments.  These gaps or pauses help us avoid careless mistakes, such as hitting “reply all” when we want to send a direct message to the sender.    White space also helps with transitions from one task to another, and to allow for any potential emergencies or delays that might arise.  These margins restore our energy, they are like gas for our car that will enable us to go the distance, they help us think ahead so we are not running out of stamps when we have to mail a letter. When you have that buffer time, you can regenerate and recharge.  Without this, we live a life of perpetual time famine and rob ourselves of more meaningful and excellent work.  For a deeper dive into planning and prioritizing, you can check out my series on this topic.

3. Give gratitude.  It is powerful to keep a gratitude journal to capture those aspects you are happy about, however small, such as sleeping late, playing with your pet, working on your hobby, and going for long walks.  These activities have the effect of spreading more positivity and contributing to more productivity. Small habits of 2-minute praises or sending emails letting others know they did a great job can make somebody else feel great and be an energy-affirming experience for you.

4. Practice reflection.  What space do you take to look back to consolidate the learnings, and be intentional about going forward differently and better?  How do you like to pause from the mayhem, rise above the day-to-day and see more of the macro trends of your life to see if it is going in your preferred direction?  Planning, setting goals, reviewing them, understanding what worked and what did not, and deducing patterns is an energy-building experience because you can derive meaning from your activities and not have a Groundhog Day feeling where the days blur into each other with no interesting or unique moments.  When you aim to identify your best practices for pausing daily, weekly, monthly, and quarterly, it can make a positive difference in your life.  

5. Create time for mind wandering.  David Rock from the NeuroLeadership Institute talks about the benefits of mind-wandering.  It is time for insights or creative breakthroughs, moments to process the past, anticipate the future, and make connections between experiences.  But mind-wandering can only happen when our brain is at rest and not goal-focused.  Not all downtime activities are conducive to mind-wandering, such as anything goal-focused or that involves multitasking like binge-watching Netflix, listening to a podcast while cooking, social media scrolling, driving while listening to music, and walking with your child, since your attention is also focused on keeping your child safe.  Examples of activities favorable to mind-wandering could be anything NOT goal-focused and only involves one task.  Taking a shower/bubble bath, walking in nature (and not listening to anything), staring at the window, doing the dishes, and doodling. The activities where you are not trying to solve anything can help your mind find the signal among the noise.   The ideal amount of time is 15 minutes a day.  The activities will differ for each person, so it is helpful to identify your preference.   

6. Allocate time for inspiration.  What do you do to stay creative and vitalized in life?  How do you like to think, wonder, and fuel your curiosity?  Are you reading in your field so you know the latest research and trends?  Because our jobs are complex, it can keep us task-focused but when we dedicate time to building our creative capacities, we can be more energized and happier and perform at higher levels with less stress.  What are your favorite ways to wonder, imagine, and get more curious?   You may be intentional about building your curiosity and create 5 questions and ask 1-2 at your next event.  Just writing them down builds that muscle.  Maybe on your next bike ride in the mountains, you spend time in the zone where you visualize, dream, and imagine your best self.  How do you nurture your passions and connect them to your creativity in your personal and professional life?

7. Time for flow states.  Flow, coined by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, is an experience that contributes to a happy and fulfilling life.  It is achieved when we fully immerse ourselves in an activity where the challenge level is just beyond our abilities.  We temporarily lose our sense of self and time.  Athletes have this feeling when playing sports and in the zone.  People may find flow states when cooking, running, gardening, or any activity that has seized their attention entirely and are fully present.  Organizational psychologist Adam Grant mentions one of the best predictors of happiness is having many flow moments.  So it is important to view work as stretching your skills and heightening your resolve rather than exhausting you. 

8. Carve out time for introspection and inner work.  This is some of the most important work we can do as a human and is a great form of self-care.  So many people spend their energy on “outer work” where they generate value outside themselves (going to meetings, analyzing data, taking care of customers, presenting, and partnering with others to complete projects).  If you want to be centered, less frazzled by change and ambiguity, and more in tune with your values, doing inner work is helpful.  This is mindful, conscious effort that we put into organizing and designing our lives.  It is the work dedicated to raising your awareness and organizing your mind to be healthy.  Marcus Aurelius said, “Tranquility is nothing else than the good ordering of your mind.”  When you better understand your mind, you can move towards a more fulfilled and energized life.  Looking inward to explore who we are, and who we want to be, and defining the contribution we want to make to the world is priceless.  Create the time to think about the big rocks and long-term planning, otherwise, you bounce from one pebble to another, staying small and missing the bigger and more critical mark. 

9. Time for learning, growth, and mastery.  It is a fundamental need to feel like we are getting better at those things that matter to us.  When we intentionally set goals and achieve them, we feel better. Progress, whether a significant accomplishment or a small win, fuels our daily motivation.

10. Mindfulness practice.  Mindfulness is about paying attention on purpose and being present.   It is easier said than done, considering that, on average, people are checking email, plugged in constantly, and switching tasks every 10 minutes.  This time confetti takes meaningful moments, shreds them into useless pieces and is the enemy of excellence.  How do you take time throughout the day to take deep breaths, get grounded, and put things into perspective?  Mindfulness supports positive development because when we can empty our minds, and get curious about labeling the things that are triggering us and how we want to handle them, that can be a profoundly healing experience.  Also, expanding our perspective can give us a more flexible sense of self.  Stephen Covey says, if you want to be able to produce, you have to focus on the capacity to produce, and protect that intentional time.

11. Take breaks.  Many people believe that they have to go a million miles per hour and be productive all the time to be the best, but it is during those off periods when you are filling your battery and can go the distance.  Research shows that once you get to 50-55 hours of work per week, you do not get any more productive.  And to maintain the most intense focus is usually around up to 2 hours, after that, our performance drops, and we get less return on our effort.  Taking a short break helps recharge our energy levels, and then we can pivot back to intensity. It is the “go slow to go fast” concept, like going for a bike ride on tires that are half filled will make you work so much harder than if you just chose to stop briefly to fill your tires and then can peddle more easily and work smarter.

When we convince ourselves that there is no limit to how much we push ourselves, we operate sub-optimally.  In the 1960s, Derek Clayton, worked harder than most as a marathon runner.  He would run 160 miles per week, eventually leading to an injury.  So, in 1967 when he started preparing for the Olympics, he took a month off to recover, he planned to run it as a preparation for the next race.  After an entire month of no training, he broke his previous record by 8 minutes and became the first person to achieve a sub 2 hours and 10 minutes, which would stand for 12 years.  Recovering energy is as important as expending it, and top performers know how to fill up on the proper fuel so they can go the distance and they also know how to sprint where they go intense briefly and then rest because that speed cannot be sustained.  The muscles need time to rebuild.

The story highlights the importance of rest and recovery.  For athletes, it is a clear sign to take a break when their body is aching.  But for knowledge workers, when we are feeling emotional or psychological harm (lethargy, anxiety, or depression), it is a sign to recover.  These signals can be more subtle and easier to discount so we power through tough times when our mind and heart are pleading to take a break.   Painful emotions are the body’s natural warning system, and when we disregard them, we put ourselves in peril.  The most creative artists and scientists who are productive are only working 4 to 6 hours a day, they do other things like go on long walks, fish, and play instruments.  Where does your recovery time show up in your calendar?  How do you listen to music, spend time with friends, enjoy quiet meals, and take walks to restore?  Hard work also takes an enormous toll on your life, especially at the expense of other activities.

Take various recharge breaks.  Rest is when you are not depleting energy; recharge is when you are actively filling your tank.  It is important to know yourself and uncover what recharges you.  This will vary, if you are an extravert, socializing or having conversations in a group with others can recharge.  As an introvert, that can be depleting, rather a recharge for you might be a one-on-one experience.  You want to discover those activities that ignite you. Quilting, working with your hands, gardening, organizing, making art, painting, or anything that makes you feel alive.  And if you do not know, it is ok, you can go on a quest for discovery.  Take a month and commit to having as many conversations as possible to learn about what works for others.  You can also take your time to try several things to see what works for you.

It is important to take different types of breaks that will energize:

·      The 15 min. break scattered throughout your day to boost your energy. 

·      The mid-level recovery break, which is about having great sleep, and taking one day off a week which can make some people even more productive. 

·      Macro level recovery break is about taking vacations that span a week to a month off a year.  Relaxing is the best thing we can do because we get our best ideas when we create space.  JP Morgan said I could do a year’s work in 9 months but not 12.

Having various breaks does not mean we cannot cope with difficult and intense periods when required.

In an interview, Lynn Manuel Miranda talks about how the best idea he had to make Hamilton occurred when he was on vacation, in a pool floating with a margarita.  It was the moment when his brain could completely unplug from the day-to-day concerns so he could let his mind drift.  Daydreaming is fertile ground for spurring creativity.

Get clear on who you want to be on vacation and what emails you will answer, if any.  For some, they want to completely disconnect and be on a beach.  Others who are not wired that way, may find that spending 10% of their vacation working adds fulfillment to their life and enhances the vacation experience rather than fully relaxing 100%.  This is especially true for entrepreneurs who are in love with their work.   You should not just do what works for another but understand what works for you and be mindful not to do any stressful work because it would negate your recharge time. 

12. Identify your downtown desires.  Some people need help figuring out their leisure time.  They take time off, feel weird or uneasy and then settle back into something more comfortable and familiar like work, spreadsheets, and emails.  High achievers are attracted to work because their identity and sense of self-worth come from what they can produce.  It can be measurable and provide a sense of progress, rewards, and accolades.  They can go in the opposite direction and do something utterly mindless like binging Netflix. 

We have a primal need for recreation and fun.  Hobbies and activities make us more interesting and creative.  They can build our confidence and contribute to breakthroughs. What pastimes did you have as a kid?  How do you still do them or return to them?  Also picking up a new hobby puts you in a beginner mindset and helps to cultivate your empathy because you may have been an expert in your field for so long and now you know what it is like to be at the beginning. 

13. Develop effective coping mechanisms.  Stress is unavoidable, so the goal for wellbeing is not necessarily to live in a state of perpetual calm because that is not realistic nor what this modern world delivers, especially to high achievers.  Instead, the key is to move from adversity and stress to safety, calm and back as seamlessly as possible.  A little bit of stress can be good for us, it is just when we are stuck in that stress for prolonged periods that does it do us harm such as increasing our hypertension and blood pressure.  We have a finite amount of intellectual and emotional resources, and stress takes up a big part of that bandwidth so reducing our time there can be incredibly valuable.

To deal with stress, you can develop 60-90 second resets to course correct stress.  They can range from a reminder to think about what you are grateful for, taking three conscious deep breaths, standing up and stretching, looking at a picture of your family, hugging your pet, reading some of your favorite quotes, or listening to an inspiring piece of music.  You want to do anything to interrupt the cycle.

It is great when companies can get involved to support this process.  As part of onboarding at Thrive Global, Arianna Huffington’s company, people are invited to build their reset activity.  And then before a meeting, somebody spins the wheel, and picks one to practice.  It is a great way for people to get exposure to different kinds of resets they can do and helps build community.  You get glimpses into people’s lives and what is important to them, music they love, movies they watch, pictures of their children, etc.  It is a good way to course correct and build social connections.  We want to be clear on how to move from that fight/flight state to a place of peace, strength, and wisdom, and having your preferred reset could be a great way to do that.

14. Create emergency plans.  List your top concerns that could cause you stress.  For example, maybe you are worried that your laptop might crash unexpectedly, can you create redundancy by having a backup laptop (an expensive option) or keeping your data in the cloud to access it and not disrupt your work easily.   Perhaps you know you have a big presentation coming up and it always makes you feel better to review how it went after so you might want to call a friend in advance to let them know you would love to chat after your presentation.  If you ever feel depleted or burned out, it is good to create a plan to deal with it way in advance while you are not in the moment, then it is just about following the steps.  For example, one plan can be, taking the day off, going for a massage, and doing something you enjoy like watching a movie, playing pickleball, or taking a trip somewhere.

15. Use a wellness wheel for consistency.  Wellness is the state of being in good health.  In advance, you can add your favorite wellness activities (shoot for at least 10), and then have a regularly scheduled time for those wellness activities.  This is helpful because you do not have to think about what you want to do at the moment, you just spin the wheel and go for it.  And if you are driven by adventure and excitement, the randomness can add another dimension.

Underinvesting in our mental and physical practices damages our chances for leading the most impactful life.  Many remedies can help, especially during the times when we are feeling most stuck or in a struggle.  Establishing routines in advance of when you need them will be your lifesaver.

QUOTES OF THE DAY: “The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another -William James

There are many terrible things in my life, and most of them never happened.” -Michel de Montaigne

Q: How do you learn about what you like to do to keep yourself mentally strong?  Comment and share below; we would love to hear from you!

 The next blog in this series 5/5 will focus on the emotional and spiritual realms for maximizing energy

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to create effective personal energy management systems for themselves and their teams, contact me to explore this topic further.

Practices and routines for greater energy

Optimize Your Energy By Cultivating A Healthy Mind (energy management series 3/5 )

An important part of maintaining our energy is cultivating a healthy mindset.  When we look at our beliefs and promote the ones that serve us and discount the ones that do not, we show up more energetically.

Here are some things to consider: 

1.  Cultivate conscious leadership.  In the book 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership, Jim Dethmer explains two kinds of leaders, those who operate above the line (from a place of love) or those who work below the line (from a place of fear).  If you are above the line, you have a mindset of curiosity and learning, and believe that you have the power to choose the life you want to create.  If you function from below the line, you are more interested in being right than learning, mainly see yourself as a victim, and believe life is happening to you; you are choiceless.  You think your happiness lies in external circumstances (situations and other people determining your happiness) rather than assuming you can design your path.

The first step to cultivating conscious leadership is self-awareness; at any given time identifying where you are in the moment without judgment or shame or trying to avoid being below the line because as Dethmer notes, 95% of all leaders spend 98% in that space.  It is more important to recognize that you are there and think about how you want to make a productive shift.  Spending time below the line is a life-draining and disempowering experience because you wonder why bad things always happen to you, and then it becomes a perpetuating cycle because bad things continue to happen.  This is compared to being above the line, where you are empowered and living life from a point of choice.  Your most important moments are now and your next steps because that is what you can influence.

2. Reframe your experience.  Epictetus said,  “it is not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”  Reframing is when you have a different take on a situation.  For example, if you are assigned a task from your boss that you do not want to do, you can agree and feel resentful or you can reframe it by thinking, maybe this person needs assistance, and I have a great opportunity to help and advance my skillset in the process.  This is not about discounting reality but about generating additional interpretations which will make you better for it.  In the Happiness Hypothesis, Jonathan Haight said the reframe is key to happiness because it can give you a sense of well-being in minutes when you transform negative into positive thoughts.

3. Avoid rumination.  This term means to chew continuously and is how cows digest their food.  They chew, swallow, regurgitate it back up, chew again, swallow, and repeat.  For a human, it is when you constantly replay an unhelpful track in your mind, obsess over an event, and stress out with each replay.  For example, you and your colleague worked on a presentation, and your peer presented using “I” and not “we” language to give the illusion that they did all the work without your assistance, and you quickly get upset.  You could believe they did it purposely, tried to marginalize you, and instantly feel stressed, angry, and disappointed.  You leave work, head to the gym, and continue thinking about it.  You go home and tell your partner and share how unfair it was.  Each time you mention it, you prolong the negative feelings, and the next day at a team meeting, you erupt, and it devolves into an unproductive blame game.  Rumination is a killer to a healthy mindset and the thief of joy; it puts you in a sour mood, keeps you up at night, disrupts your ability to recover and recharge, impairs your executive functioning, and increases your chances of cardiovascular disease.  Similarly, co-rumination, where you get with a friend and take them through your loop while they are fueling you with the same negative energy may feel like a bonding experience in the moment, but it is unproductive because it stirs up tension in your mind and body.  It reinforces the perception that the world is an upsetting and difficult place with no power to change circumstances.  When you ruminate, it is like picking at a scab over and over again, it simply will not heal until you stop.

Here are some of the most effective ways I’ve found to address rumination:

A. Opt for reflection.  Reflection is more about gaining insight and understanding, rumination is about stewing in negative thoughts.  You can think about what the learning is and what you want to do about it.  You may conclude that a lesson you have from working with your coworker: the next time you ask them in advance how they plan to represent the work that gives you both credit.  You can take the initiative and offer to present it or divide the work where your coworker presents their parts, and you present your parts.  Reflection is powerful and productive because there is a way forward, it does not keep you stuck in your thinking, it keeps you expansive.

B. Create an action step.  You can frame the challenge as a problem to solve.  Identify what you are upset about and how you want to tackle it.  You may want to work backwards, think about what the outcome is and visualize that.  Then think about what you can do now and the most direct route to get there.  Returning to the example of your coworker taking all the credit, your desired outcome may be for you to share the impact of their actions on you and how it would be great for two things to happen.  You email them to set up a time to discuss how the experience impacted you and share your peace.  You can say, next time, you will be the one presenting or ask them to talk to your boss and set the record straight.  They can send a thank you email to the boss appreciating the positive feedback and how they worked equally hard and were crucial to success even though you did not present.  This is a more productive option than stewing and telling the person off.  When you supply an action step, think of one thing you can do (gain insight, adopt a new perspective, or have a conversation), then you can start to shift and feel better about the situation. 

C. Time box the worry.  If you cannot pivot to rest, repair, and recovery because you are still ruminating, you can schedule 15 mins. late in your day or in your work week to worry.  It is a brain hack because once you have scheduled time, it is easier for your brain to let go or dismiss it if it knows it will get taken care of at some point.   

4. Challenge thoughts and assumptions that are not serving you.  In The Work, Byron Katie explains how she suffers when she believes her thoughts so she employs a 4-step process to question her assumptions and promote the belief that there is joy in her all the time.  She asks:

1. Is the thought true?

2. Can I absolutely know it’s true?

3. What happens when I believe the thought?

4. Who would I be without that thought?  

Once she goes through these questions, she does the work to turn around the thought.  Sometimes, it is about letting go of something to make room for something else.  For example, if your boss emailed you and said you did not speak up in that meeting, you may think your boss is out to get you.  You may ask the second question but realize you cannot be 100% certain, and know that when you believe this, it completely demotivates you.  Without that thought, you would be somebody capable of addressing this situation productively.  After going through this process, you remain calm and set up a meeting to learn and discuss with your boss the context of that email.  You may learn another explanation, that your boss likes when you speak up because you add more value and can increase your visibility.  Believing that your boss has no faith in you versus your boss thinking you are not living up to your leadership potential makes a difference in your performance.  Breakthroughs happen when we challenge our assumptions because we have limiting beliefs we do not realize, they keep us playing small and in a box.  In the workplace, it is easy to spot some of these beliefs when teammates say, “that’s not how we do it here,” or “we tried that once, and it does not work in this industry.”  Also when people speak in absolutes and use words and phrases like “I should feel this way,” “I have to do this,” “I must win,” These are signals that people are putting themselves in a box.  Believing that you do not have a choice is one of the most common limiting beliefs; we hold ourselves back and operate with diminished energy when we do not confront these unhelpful ideas. 

To break this habit, make a list of your limiting beliefs and start to alter your language.  Instead of saying, “I have to do this,” you can say, “I get to do this,” and instead of saying, “why is this happening to me,” you can choose, “ this is happening for me because…”.  Who would you be and how would you act if you operated from this messaging?

5. Cultivate an “active and rest” and “strive and detach” mindset.  Including both active and rest energy are essential, it is like inhaling and exhaling.  Descartes savored his rest time, sleeping late, and sitting by a fireplace, reflecting, and writing until late afternoon.  Many struggle with balancing being a high performer, having big dreams, and working with their ambitions while also achieving success and being happy, and cultivating a sense of inner peace.   A great lesson on this comes from a Tibetan Buddhist tradition involving the creation and destruction of Mandalas (intricate designer circles made from colored sand.)  The term is Sanskrit, which means a container/circle of essence.  The Buddhist Monks work hard to create something masterful; they start by sketching a circle outline and then meticulously drop individual grains of sand to create a panoply of colors.  It is a process that can take hours and days.  When completed, they engage in a ritualist process of dismantling the Mandala.  They sweep up the sand and let it go into the ocean, symbolizing the transitory nature.  It is the concept of striving for something great and then being able to detach and let go; and allow the universe to do what it does because when you hold on so tightly to one thing, you cause yourself stress. 

6. Practice the Dichotomy of Control.  In life, there are always things in and out of your control and when you can categorize items in their proper place, you can free yourself from unnecessary heartburn.  The idea is to release energy around the things you cannot control like determining outcomes, and directing your energy on the things you can control such as your preparation and intentions.  For example, if you are giving a Ted talk, you can control what you write and how much you prepare to get ready for the moment, but you cannot control the audience’s reaction or how many views it will receive.  Save your energy for things that will move the needle, and be comfortable with the idea that whatever happens to things outside your control, it is ok; it is all part of the human experience.

7. Cultivate a strong identity beyond work.  Sometimes our struggles occur when we overidentify with one thing.  We may attach our entire self-worth to work, and then when we are experiencing stress at work, our world feels small and in disarray.  When we can foster a strong identity outside of work and have multiple sources of joy, it makes us more successful.  It is ok if work goes south because we have our salsa dance lessons, cooking classes, painting,  and other hobbies that satisfy us because we operate from our strengths.  We also have our loved ones that add energy to our lives.  We can better get through challenging times and transitions when we have many things in our lives to add small moments of bliss.

8. Cultivate authenticity.  When you are who you are in all realms of your life it preserves great energy.  In contrast, it takes a toll when you are happy and humorous at home and show up to work serious and strict.  Embrace who you are, if you are somebody who asks a lot of questions, do not entirely censor yourself.  If you know you are an introvert who gets easily overwhelmed at networking events, take some extended breaks so you can conserve energy and find ways to recharge.

For many of us, having a healthy and robust mindset does not just happen.  It takes intentionality and practice to promote excellent habits that will help us be at our best. 

Quote of the day: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” – Victor E. Frankl

Q: What are your routines for cultivating a healthy mindset?  Comment and share below; we would love to hear from you!

The next blog in this series 4/5 will focus on mind practices that will energize you.    

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to create effective personal energy management systems for themselves and their teams, contact me to explore this topic further.

Which practices keep your mind strong?

For More Energy, Invest In Your Body (energy management series 2/5)

A crucial part of maintaining your energy is taking care of your physicality.  Simply, there is a mind-body connection, when you are in good shape, you feel great, and it takes intentionality and discipline to establish practices for maintaining your physical health.  How do you maximize your physical wellness first so you are able to contribute more effectively and easily?

Here are some components to consider:

1. Eating healthy.  Some people may not be aware of the types of foods they put into their bodies and the specific impacts on their energy levels.  Do you know which foods weigh you down and make you lethargic and which foods help you feel good and alert?  If you are unsure, you can work with a nutritionist to discover ways to eat healthy and maintain a balanced diet to be at the top of your game.  Simple changes like making sure you drink enough water throughout the day and a glass before a meal so you feel full quicker can alter how you show up.

2. Exercising regularly.  Having a regular exercise routine will keep your energy levels high and maintain your longevity.  The University of Vermont found that just 20 minutes of exercise can boost someone’s mood up to 12 hours.  You can do many things to promote movement and get your heart rate up.  

2A Gym routine.  Having a strength-building practice or taking classes can give you a great workout, introduce you to many kinds of exercises that help with cross-bodying training, and provide possible seeds for a new hobby to flourish.  It has the added benefit of being a social experience and can be incredibly motivating when you find the accountability to exercise together.

2B. Walking.  Walking is a great and simple exercise that keeps you active and sharp.  Many excellent leaders knew and incorporated the copious benefits into their daily routines. Thomas Jefferson talked about how walking helped with clearing his mind and being the object of his relaxation.  Similarly, Ernest Hemingway mentioned walking as a way to develop his best thoughts.  Because the nervous system only has a certain amount of bandwidth, walking is a great way to calm it down, even for 10 minutes.  A recent study shows that walking for 1 hour daily reduces the risk of major depression.  Doing it in nature is especially helpful because it reduces stress while increasing the ability to be more creative and have playful thoughts.  Attention Restoration Theory (ATR) “suggests that mental fatigue and concentration can be improved by time spent in or looking at nature.”  ART proposes that exposure to natural environments encourages more effortless brain function, thereby allowing it to recover and replenish its directed attention capacity.  Because you are in an environment with lower cognitive abilities, you slow down your brain, retrain it, use different parts, create more connections, and have better reflections.

2C. Practicing Yoga.  This exercise yields some of the best mental and physical benefits, such as relieving stress and tension, improving focus, managing difficult emotions, and unlocking creativity.  Physically, by practicing various poses, it builds strength, flexibility, and balance.  There is also the mental component of paying attention to what is happening in your mind when you are holding a challenging pose for too long.  With each position, your mind will react and it is good practice to choose how you want to work with that reaction.  It is about this beautiful balance of knowing when to strive with the right amount of struggle to be at your best and when to be at peace with where you are at any given moment.

3. Sleeping restoratively.  Having excellent quality sleep is one of the most significant differences you can make in your energy levels and performing at your best.  It is essential for your cognitive performance because when you sleep, you consolidate and retain all new information and learnings from the day, connect disparate pieces of information, and unleash creative problem-solving.  The toxins accumulated throughout the day get cleaned when you can rest.  This process is essential to keep your brain healthy and reduce Alzheimer’s.  Many people disrupt their sleep by having their phones next to them.  There are many things you can do to have better quality sleep.  For more on this topic, you can read my sleep series. 

3A Napping.  Napping for a short time can boost your mood and productivity and give you mental clarity, increasing your productivity.  Many people may feel like they do not have time for a nap in their day, but if 15-20 minutes can mean a supercharged next 2+ hours, it could be worth it to slow down to go faster.

4. Breathing deeply.  It is a great way to calm your nervous system and restore energy.  There are methods of breathing that can nourish your brain.  In Breath, James Nestor argues how we breathe matters and that there is a right and wrong way to do it. The right way to breathe can boost blood pressure, athletic performance, and balance our nervous system.  Nasal breathing (or inhaling and exhaling through your nose) is more proper and efficient than mouth breathing, which can be harmful because it causes the body to lose 40% more water.  Your breathing pace also matters; slow and deep are essential.  He mentions how 5.5 breaths per minute are optimal.  The most critical element is ensuring you take your time exhaling to get the stale air out of your system.  Many people like the Box Breathing method, where you inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4, and repeat.  Many Navy Seals use it to stay calm and focused during intense situations.  Buddhist monks use proper breathing techniques to lengthen their lives and reach higher levels of consciousness.

5. Partaking in regular self-care body rituals.  There are various things we can do to prioritize ourselves and take care of our body for a shift in energy and mood.  Going for a massage can be a relaxing feeling that calms our nerves, reduces stress, and restores our body, especially after any intense strain on it, such as prolonged exercise.  It creates peace and calm and sets us up for what’s next.  Taking the time to get a haircut, or going for a manicure or pedicure for our hands and feet can keep our bodies looking and feeling great.  Bubble baths with candles and music, saunas, and hot tubs can offer unique relaxing experiences. 

Taking time to care for your body matters.  It will contribute to your mental fortitude and keep you moving through life with higher energy levels.

Quote of the day: “No [persons] have the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training.  It is a shame for a person to grow old without seeing their beauty and strength for which their body is capable.” -Socrates

Q:  What is your favorite form of movement, and how does it impact your life? Comment and share below; we would love to hear from you!

The next blog in this series 3/5 will focus on cultivating a healthy mind for greater energy. 

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to create effective personal energy management systems for themselves and their teams, contact me to explore this topic further.

How do you take care of your body?

How Do You Optimize Your Energy? (energy management series 1/5 )

When are you at your best, where you are doing excellent work and showing up for others because you have a full tank of the right type of energy or fuel to get work done?  Many people drift through life unaware of their energy levels or how to harness them to thrive.  Yet, energy management and being intentional about keeping your levels high are keys to long-term effectiveness.  In The Power of Full Engagement, Tony Schwartz argues that it is more important than time, money, or any other kind of management.  

Here are some helpful ways to effectively manage your energy:

1. Get clear on the fundamentals.  Have you defined your purpose, values, vision, strengths, and goals?  These categories will set the framework for all other things to follow and will be an energy multiplier when you spend time on activities aligned with these pillars.

1A. Purpose & Legacy.  Purpose is your reason for waking up in the morning; it’s aspirational and has a movement orientation.  If money was no question, it is the thing you would do because you are intrinsically driven by it.  Too many people get caught up in the day-to-day that they become disconnected from what makes life truly worth living.  Spending too much time on work not aligned with their purpose can be a depleting experience. Tuning into yourself and what you deeply care about will keep your tank full.  One framework to capture your purpose is Ikagi, or in Japanese, the reason for being.  It involves 4 components:

·      What you are good at

·      What you enjoy

·      What the world needs

·      What you can get paid for

When you discover things that fit into these four quadrants, it can be an energy-building experience.

Another approach to thinking about your purpose is to think about your legacy.  What do you want to be known for 100 years from now?  Apple Executive Angela Ahrendts had a great answer, she said “somebody who uplifted others as a wife, mom, and leader.”  There is so much power in service.  Ralph Waldo Emerson notes, “To know that one life has breathed easier because we have lived…that is to have succeeded.”  Making others’ lives easier is a good guidepost for a satisfying life.   Once you are clear on your legacy, you can arrange your day to be in alignment and experience fulfillment as you live your purpose, even if you do not get to witness the impact.  A line from the play Hamilton captures this nicely: “What is a legacy except planting flowers in a garden that you never get to see.” 

1B. Values.  These are your motivators in life, the elements that you find most important and that drive you.  For example, if you value learning, you will spend so much time on that activity because it is something you care about and enjoy.  If you value adventure, the more you explore, the more energy you will have.  It also helps with decision-making because when you make choices in accordance with your values, it brings you greater happiness and peace.  Living your values is a great way to build energy and not expend it on trivial aspects.  

1C. Vision.  Do you have a vision for your life?  Where do you want to be 1, 3, or 5 years from now?  It is fine if you may still need to figure out all the details, but when you know where you are generally trying to go, it is an energy-building experience because you are taking meaningful steps in the direction that matters to you.  A common regret of leaders is that they wish they were not always so overwhelmed by the present that they spent more time thinking about the future. Take time to sketch where you want to go.

1D. Strengths.  Are you clear on what your talents are and how you deliver value?  When you operate from a place of strength, you can do your best work and produce more joy and vitality.  A Gallup study reveals people who use their strengths daily are 3x more likely to report having an excellent quality of life, 6x more likely to be engaged at work, 8% more productive, and 15% less likely to quit their jobs.  You will be drained when working from weaknesses and on tasks that are not enjoyable or even frustrating.

1E. Goals. What do you want to accomplish in the short and long term so you are living your purpose and moving closer to your vision?  How often do you set goals and make your activities align?  I sometimes conduct a goal audit with my clients who are depleted and do not know why.  When we list all the committees, task forces, or special projects they are a part of; they realize that they are spending more time on urgent than important tasks.  Their life is filled with energy-sucking activities.  Having clear goals will allow you to be more strategic about how you spend your time.  Decision-making becomes easier if requests on your time are not in accordance with your goals; you simply say no to preserve your energy.

2. Defining and measuring success.  A big part of managing your energy is taking time to define what success means to you.  Many people may not be conscious of it; they may be using a definition they received from their parents or society.  Is it having a lot of money, climbing the career ladder to land a fancy title at a big organization?  Is it about fame, power, recognition, and luxury? If this is the case, what’s the cost? If it means working 18-hour days and not seeing your family, would you still label that successful?  For others, maybe your definition of success is about running your own business, having a family, living a high-quality life, and doing work you love. Maybe it is about traveling the world and allowing places, people, and ideas to fuel your creativity. Only you know.

Whatever it is, you want to be clear on the underlining motive.  You want to be VP by 40, maybe that comes from your desire to achieve and feel validated where you finally believe you can be worthy.  It is common for many of us to have been shown love by how much we have accomplished so we move through life as an adult with that same script acquired when young.  Or, maybe your motive is about delivering more value.  It is helpful to tease apart your hidden motives and find the source because if you pursue the goal for the wrong reason or somebody else’s, you may end up lacking meaning and purpose, which can be an energy-depleting experience.  You will feel more fulfilled if your goal is more about service and impact. I had one client who had a lucrative finance career but lacked something.  When they got more in touch with their true intentions, they went into teaching and service and became much happier.

My first definition of success came from my parents who taught me to get an education and have a safe job with a pension; they prioritized security above all else.  Combining their penchant for job security and my love of learning, I saw teaching as the perfect first profession.  As I started getting more in touch with my entrepreneurial energy and considering starting my own leadership coaching and facilitation business, I battled challenging scripts loaded in me when I was young, I thought maybe I was crazy to give up something so predictable for a possible wild card.  My family at the time thought I was foolish, and that I should be content with teaching because I have a job for life, especially during global uncertainties.  Bucking pressure, I leaped and having had my own business for several years, I could not be happier and more alive.  I get to combine my values of learning, impact, service, growth, creativity, and entrepreneurship and spend my waking moments helping others achieve their potential and accelerating their learning and leadership excellence.  I dedicate so much time to the intersection of developing myself and others, and it is exhilarating.  I had to relinquish that definition of success for one that was more in alignment with who I was.  Wayne Dwyer said, “Don’t die with your music still in you.”  If I never took this risk, I would have been living an incomplete existence because I would not have that conduit to express and share my gifts.  When you speak your desires that are true to your soul, you get to live authentically, powerfully, and fully.

Once you have established your definition, you want to measure it.  I measure success by how many people’s lives I positively change and the energy-building interactions I have, and I get feedback through verbal and written validations, which signal that I’m on the track I want to be.  I also measure it by pursuing excellence and flourishing, meaning and satisfaction, striving and peace, and purpose and contribution.  When I am clear on those metrics, I can focus on playing my game and not getting distracted by comparing myself to others and their goals or what they do in their games.  

In 5 Regrets of the Dying, Bonnie Ware, a Palliative Care Nurse transformed her life by learning about the regrets of the people she cared for.  For many, they wish they had the courage to live their lives and not the ones others wanted for them.  Specifically, they had not worked so hard, had the courage to express feelings, stay in touch with friends, and let themselves be happier.  While some say comparison can be the thief of joy because you can make yourself miserable by desiring what others have, it does not have to be that way.  If you have an abundant mindset, you can be happy for others and appreciate your pursuits.  You can use comparison as a tool for learning and motivation and find joy in avoiding stagnation.

3. Establish work-life flow.  You can design your work life based on the fundamentals above and your definition of success.  Whether you call it work-life balance, work-life integration, or work-life flow, it is vital to think about the major categories in your life, such as family, career, health, finances, and play, and map it out to see how they would fit together, which will allow you to make better choices based on what you care about and how you want to spend your time.  Purpose becomes more essential when we contextualize it with the other aspects of our lives because there is usually this critical mix of dreams and duties.  And the goal does not have to be to achieve balance which is hard because it means all aspects have to be equal; it is about rhythm, flow, fulfillment, and being intentional about your choices.  Without this, you fall into default mode, where you are moving along but not being deliberate, and it is depleting.  Once you have identified those vital aspects, you can organize your time based on how much you want to spend on each category to feel vitalized.  What is the proper allocation to feel like you are winning at work and succeeding in life?  We feel incomplete when we can have significant accomplishments at work, come home and feel like we are not the family person we want to be because our significant other and kids tell us that we are never home.   Or when we are not exercising and eating well or doing the things that restore us because we are singly focused on work.

4. Setting morning and evening routines.  Athletes, musicians, and performers usually have a routine that sets the conditions for their best performance.  They may make sure they drink enough water, have a clear focus, and visualize what they want to do.  Similarly, we can have morning and evening practices that maintain our daily physical and mental energy.  What does your morning routine look like, and does it set you up on a high note to embrace your day?  Does it include waking up from 8+ hours of sleep, a healthy breakfast, time sustaining your soul through reading, listening to something positive, meditating, planning your day, connecting with loved ones, and other things contributing to charging your battery?  Similarly, how is your evening routine - do you spend time with loved ones, plan for the next day, do breathing exercises, listen to something inspiring, meaningfully connect with loved ones, read in bed, and be sure to get your 8 hours of restorative sleep?  How you start and end the day makes a big difference to your energy because it provides a solid foundation to go the distance and better deal with stress.  Too many people treat life like a sprint and aim to survive rather than having consistent habits that continually restore you.

5. Match your energy levels with the appropriate activity.  Being effective is not about doing more but being strategic in working and harnessing your best energy.  In When: The Scientific Secrets of Perfect Timing, Daniel Pink talks about the time of the day having a significant impact on our performance.  Most of us have a peak, troth, and recovery cycle, where we have the highest energy in the morning, dip in the afternoon, and then, experience a second wind.  If this applies to you, you should do your most demanding and best thinking during your peaks, such as writing and designing programs; your shallow activities, such as administrative tasks like sending emails during your troth; and having meetings and socializing during your recovery time.  You want to match your biological makeup to your work for maximum results.

Everybody is different, we just want to be in tune with how we are through the day because it matters in the quality of our thinking and decisions.  So, reading books about the importance of being a part of the 5:00 am club, where you wake up early to get all your work done may be damaging to you if you are not a morning person.  Research shows that most car accidents occur from 2 pm-4 when people are tired, and energy is low.  Judges are more likely to grant parole in the morning when their thinking is fresh, but as the day goes on, they are less likely to do it because it requires more consideration, they are fatigued so they choose a default option of no parole.  How we structure our day based on our energy will impact our performance and mindset throughout the day.

With intentionality, you can optimize your energy and live your desired life.  It all starts with taking the time to do the introspective work, being honest about your current reality, get clear on who you are and what you want to be doing that fills, and not empties your soul.

Quote of the day: “A person doesn’t need brilliance or genius, all they need is energy.” – Author Albert Greenfield

Q: What are your most energizing practices?  How do they map to your purpose? Comment and share below; we would love to hear from you!

The next blog in this series 2/5 will focus on investing in the body as a gateway to more energy.  

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to create effective personal energy management systems for themselves and their teams, contact me to explore this topic further.

Manager your personal energy for great success

A Closer Look at Habits (Habit Series 1/7)

The quality of our habits makes up the richness of our lives.  Habits are rituals or behaviors that we perform automatically.  The good ones, such as daily flossing, exercise, and mindful eating, contribute to a healthier life.  In contrast, the less envious ones like consuming junk food, binging on Netflix, and skipping workouts can detract from our potential. 

These vital mental shortcuts allow us to glide more efficiently throughout our day.  A lot of what we do is mindless; we are constantly reacting to situations without having the time to conduct elaborate mental trials.  One paper published by a Duke University researcher in 2006 found that more than 40% of the actions people performed each day were not actual decisions, but habits.  Without them, we would be overwhelmed and simply nonfunctional at times because we are bombarded with millions of bits of information and lack the time and cognitive resources to decipher all of the data.  By not thinking about routine actions such as how we are going to brush our teeth, what breakfast we will have, and how we will commute to work, allows us to conserve energy on recurring events so we can use our thinking power for more significant decisions.  

How long does it take to change a habit?

The research on this question is varied.  In the preface to his 1960 book Psycho-cybernetics, Dr. Maxwell Maltz, a plastic surgeon turned psychologist, wrote: “It usually requires a minimum of about 21 days to effect any perceptible change in a mental image.”  According to recent research by Phillippa Lally, the typical average is about 66 days.  But in that study, the range was wide, anywhere from 18-254 days because it depended on the kind of habit.  Drinking 8 glasses of water each day is much easier than going for a daily run, which could take closer to 7-8 months to cement for some people.  In reality, habit work never stops because if we do not maintain them, we lose the routine and the benefit.

Other variables can impact the timeline, such as how long the habit has been ingrained in our mind, how compelling the reason for the change, how big the payoff will be, how dire the consequences if we stick with the status quo, how positive the emotions connected to the behavior change, and the surrounding circumstances.   For example, if we have witnessed a friend die of lung cancer, that may prompt us to quit smoking immediately. If we feel incredible going for a daily walk and we start to notice progress shortly thereafter, we are more likely to implant that habit into our lives.

How do habits work?

In two common frameworks, Charles Duhigg in “The Power of Habit,” describes a habit loop consisting of 3 elements, while James Clear’s “Atomic Habits” explains 4 steps in the process by subdividing the second step. 

Here is how they explain it:

1. Cue.  A trigger that initiates the behavior because you are conditioned to notice the reward.

2. Routine.  The behavior you use in response to the cue.  James Clear subdivides the routine into the craving (the motivational force behind the habit) and the response (the actual practice you perform).

3. Reward.  The satisfying feeling you get when you address the cue.

When putting it together, it looks like this:  You wake up (cue), you want to feel alert (craving), you drink coffee (response), you satisfy your craving of feeling alert (reward).  Therefore, drinking coffee becomes associated with waking up.

Habit loops are important because our brains would shut down due to the overwhelm of the everyday minutiae without them.  When we break a habit into its parts, we can understand them better and zoom in to a specific area to triage. 

Knowing our habits can improve the quality of our lives.  Instead of running on autopilot and accruing behaviors that may not serve us, we can be more deliberate.  When we build good habits, we create freedom for the things that we want to do the most.   

Quote of the day:  “For the first 30 years of your life, you make your habits.  For the last 30 years of your life, your habits make you.”  -Hindu Saying  [This was reportedly a favorite of Steve Jobs who sent it out to friends on invitations to his 30th birthday party].

Q:  What cue or trigger starts one of your habits?   What can you do to interrupt the loop?  Comment and share below, we would love to hear from you!

[The next blog in this series 2/7 will focus on increasing your awareness to change your habits better]

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with people to cultivate habits that serve them, contact me to explore this topic further.

When was the last time you examined your habits?

How Well Do You Know Your Stress? (Stress Series 3/4)

When stress strikes and impacts your body and mind, how do you handle it?  Learning about your reactions can help you manage it and build resilience in its presence.

Here are 3 leading ways to get to the root of stress:

1. Explore your stress through questioning. Ask yourself:

A. How do I respond under pressure? Maybe you confront, avoid, break down, become irrational.

B. What does stress do to me physically? Beating heart, tightness in your chest or shoulders, sweating, knots in your stomach, or headaches.

C. How does it affect me emotionally? Do I get sad, angry, worried, or have a pervasive out-of-control feeling?

D. What are my go-to distresses? Are they positive: Laughing, meditating, practicing yoga, reading, socializing, or negative: excessive eating, drinking, procrastinating, watching tv, overworking, being rude to others?

E. Do I have a different reaction or destresser for a different trigger or context? Perhaps when it is dealing with family, you engage in emotional eating, but when dealing with a work event, you get angry and condescending.

It is ok to not have all the answers, but embarking on a journey of self-discovery can be the most important expedition you go on.  You can start by prioritizing your self-reflection by journaling daily, thinking regularly on these questions especially during mundane activities like brushing your teeth, or by reading about how other people handle the causes and effects of stress so you can provide a comprehensive solution.

2. Know your values.  Stress can occur when one of our values is being violated so knowing your values can help with an adequate response.  For example, you may be anxious about giving feedback to your team member.  Upon further scrutiny of the situation, you realize that the value that is being tested is your concern with fairness, so you want to make sure you are doing right by your teammate. You ask yourself, “by prolonging the conversation, am I being fair?”  You may realize that when you frame the situation through the fairness value you are much quicker to provide feedback so she can improve and help the team.  Or perhaps, you criticize yourself harshly and are stressed because it is violating your value of self-compassion.  When you can identify the principles that are being tested, you know how to put strategies in place that allow you to use your emotions wisely under stress.

3. Increase your response range. When we are stressed, our brain is wired to be more reactionary and our decision-making faculties are impaired.   We can resort to binary choice-making which limits the options available to us.  In tough decisions, we can reach premature conclusions rather than opening ourselves up to more and better options. A good way to combat this problem is to force yourself to generate several responses, even when you think you only have a few, challenge yourself to have at least 10 and then you can winnow down to a realistic and empowering three. Knowing that you have more options will reduce your stress. 

When confronted with a stressful situation, carefully appraise your core strengths and resources rather than panicking or disconnecting from reality.  Identify the source of the stress, think about the values that are being tested, and increase your range of responses so you can defeat anything that comes your way.

Quote of the day: “I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.” – Mark Twain

Q: Which value, when violated, causes you the most stress?  What’s your best distressing technique?  Comment and share with us, we would love to hear!

[The next blog in this series 4/4 will focus on dealing with stress in the workplace]

As a Leadership Coach, I partner with others to understand their sources of stress and have a game plan for working with it for increased performance, contact me to learn more.

What do you know about your stress?

Top 8 Ways To Deal With Stress (Stress Series 2/4)

In the last article, we talked about different kinds of stress and associated positive and negative impacts.  The focus of this article will be on ways to manage worry effectively.

Let’s Jump Into Leading Techniques to Deal with Stress:

1. View it positively. How you see it makes all the difference.  A study tracked 30,000 adults in the US for eight years and began by asking people, "How much stress have you experienced in the last year?" and "Do you believe that stress is harmful to your health?" Researchers then used public death records to find out who died.  The results showed that people who experienced a lot of stress in the previous year and viewed it as harmful to their health had a 43% increased risk of dying.  People who experienced a lot of anxiety but did not see it as harmful were no more likely to die.  In fact, they had the lowest risk of dying of anyone in the study, including people who had relatively little strain. Changing how you view stress can literally mean the difference between life and death. 

Furthermore, when you tell yourself, this is my body helping me rise to the challenge, you channel that energy to work for you and not against; you turn stress from debilitating to enhancing. Reframing it can provide a different look and open up an array of healthy possibilities to stare down the tension from an empowering position.

2. Get help. When you share with somebody how you are feeling instead of bottling it up, you can relieve some of the effects. When life is difficult, your stress response wants you to be surrounded by people who care about you, there is a built-in mechanism for resilience found through human connection.   When you reach out to others to seek support, you can bounce back more easily than if you choose to isolate yourself. You may be surprised that the very worry that you are convinced only relates to you is shared by others and more common than you think.

3. Play and laugh.  The best antidotes to stress are play and laugher.  It is hard for the human brain to think about more than one thing at any given time.  You cannot be both pepped up and driven down at the exact same moment so when you find ways to laugh, you are reducing the stress emotion.

4. Get busy. Winston Churchill famously said, “I have no time for worry.”  If you are doing something that involves planning and thinking, it is hard to fit in worry. Sometimes, taking your mind off the nagging worry will allow you to return to the problem on your own terms. What kind of project or task can you work on that will occupy your full attention?

5. Rehearse the worst-case scenario.  Instead of having these uninformed nebulous catastrophic thoughts bounce around in your skull, you can think through the worst-case scenario which can shed new light.  Perhaps we realize that it is not as bad as we are portraying it, or we discover the power we need to get through the toughest times. When we visualize, more information can surface to assuage our concerns and we can plan to mitigate those circumstances.

6. Know it will pass. Believing in the idea that the stress is temporary and that there is nothing life could bring to you that is beyond your strength to endure.  You can also ask yourself… how much is this thing that I’m worrying about really matter in the grand scheme of things?  How much am I willing to pay for this worry, how much have I already paid? 

7. Engage in future think. Picture yourself in the future, perhaps 1-3 years from now, and how you will not care about this trivial matter.  It helps us visualize not being in this painful moment but in a more joyous time. When we are so ensconced in the short-term, we are filled with all kinds of emotions, but when we can shift our mind to the long-term, the more rational side can balance the emotional side.

8. System design. If there is a problem that is causing you stress, you can address it by designing a system to combat the problem.  This can involve the following:

A. Have a process: When people panic they make mistakes, they override systems and disregard rules.  If you have a familiar process, you will be less stressed because you have prepared for this before and know exactly what to do. 

B. Get started: Maybe the first thing you do is write down what is causing the problem. You do not even need to devise a solution, you just need to begin. You can even pretend you are somebody else objectively collecting facts for the problem.  When you devote your time to research, worries tend to evaporate in light of knowledge and clarity.

C. Break down the stress:  When you can dismantle something or look at it from a new angle, it loses its force over you.  Don’t focus on the big goal, break it down into small pieces, and pay attention to taking the first step. 

Other techniques can include: getting adequate sleep, regular exercise, mental downtime, taking vacations, doing controlled breathing, practicing yoga, mindfulness meditation, getting acupuncture treatments, walking in nature, journaling, being of service to others, and practicing loving-kindness to name a few.

The main takeaway is that we are not powerless to stress.  When we proactively manage it, we will regain control and find more ways to be happy and fewer ways to worry.

Quote of the day:  “It is not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it.” -Hans Selye, Father of Stress Research

Question of the day:  What technique do you use that is not on this list? Comment and share below, we would love to hear from you!

[The next blog in this series 3/4 will focus on ways you can learn about the sources of your stress]

As a Leadership Coach, I partner with others to understand their sources of stress and have a gameplan for working with it for increased performance, contact me to learn more.

Reduce your stress with these techniques

Making Sense of Stress (Stress Series 1/4)

There are no shortages of common sources of stress including work, children, finances, relationships, illness, overcommitment, loneliness, family dynamics, lack of work-life balance, and uncertainty, all exacerbated during these quarantine times.  While stress is a ubiquitous part of life, its negative effects do not have to be. The very way we look at stress can completely change its hold over us.

Stress, or this agitation in the body, usually happens when demands exceed capacity. It can come in many different forms. There is the type of stress which you bring onto yourself such as showing up for a meeting unprepared or skipping out on a commitment.  This is pointless stress because it can be avoided or minimized with advance planning and prioritization before the situation turns problematic. There is the stress that hits you like a bolt from the blue and even having done everything right, you could not have anticipated or controlled its arrival.  There is high-level stress that can be debilitating to your performance and there is low-level stress that can be enhancing. There is short-lived stress that provides the accelerating force for you to accomplish a task and there is long-lasting stress that chips away at your health and happiness each day.  The intensity and duration of stress matters, and when both are present, it is a recipe for disaster.

Stress: The Destroyer

The one thing for sure is that too much stress, especially of the acute variety can have deleterious effects.  It can muddle our thinking by crippling our abilities to think long-term, and it can compel poor decision making. University of Pennsylvania Professor and Author Annie McKee says, with chronic stress, “we have more difficulty being flexible or open to new ideas, we start seeing things in simplistic ways and we overreact to minor irritants; everything and everyone starts looking like a threat.” In this state, we are more likely to cause problems rather than solve them.  It is an endless loop – we do not think straight and we pick fights; we lash out, hide out, or opt-out. It gives us tunnel vision, the more stressed we are, the more focused we tend to be and are unable to see the periphery.  Neurologist Robert Sapolsky spent more than three decades studying the physiological effects of stress on health.  He concluded that long-term stress suppresses the immune system, making us more susceptible to infectious diseases and can even shut down reproduction by causing erectile dysfunction and disrupting menstrual cycles. Being chronically overwhelmed and fatigued can negatively impact our performance and can lead to mental health issues such as burnout and depression.

Stress: The Builder

Not all stress is bad, however.  A little bit of stress or a lot for a very short period of time can be a good thing.  Our stress hormones keep us alive!  If something was intent on eating us, our stress reactors would kick in and encourage us to run away. Sapolsky explains, stress hormones are brilliantly adapted to help us survive an unexpected threat. "You mobilize energy in your thigh muscles, you increase your blood pressure and you turn off everything that's not essential to surviving, such as digestion, growth, and reproduction.”  You think more clearly, and certain aspects of learning and memory are enhanced. All of that is spectacularly adapted if we are dealing with an acute physical stressor. Other than keeping us alive, moderate stress can help us develop coping skills and even kick us in the butt to boost our output.  Being unproductive can cause a feeling of stress and sway us in the direction of aiming to get work done. Having that deadline that is tight, but not too tight can spur creativity and motivation. Additionally, those stress states help us appreciate the periods of tranquility and the proactive steps we can take to spend more time in those peace zones.

It is important to notice the difference between stress that causes us chaos and stress that brings great results.  Fostering the good kind of stress and using techniques to minimize and avoid the bad type of stress will take you far. Regardless of the approach, we should never allow the stress termites to eat away at our lives. We have more power available to us than we realize and there is always some type of strong response we can offer.

Quote of the day: “Stress is caused by being here but wanting to be there” -Eckhart Tolle

Q: How have you used stress to achieve peak performance?

[The next blog in this series 2/4 will focus on 8 ways to deal with stress]

As a Leadership Coach, I partner with others to understand their sources of stress and have a gameplan for working with it for increased performance, contact me to learn more.

Embrace the good kind of stress while mitigating the bad type.