A big part of managing your energy is being able to set boundaries. Author Joe Sanok defines boundaries as limits we identify for ourselves (and others) and apply through action or communication. A boundary could be how we want our partners and peers to communicate with us, when we want our bosses to contact us, or when we prefer to work versus rest. It is essential for our wellbeing, yet we often do not do it because it is not a typical skill we are ever taught in our formal education or in our upbringing. Conversations on boundary setting are also something companies overlook, and yet it has a significant cost on their employees’ wellbeing and productivity.
The benefits of boundary setting are numerous:
1. Maintain your wellbeing and energy. Author Nedra Glover Tawwab said, “The root of all self-care is setting boundaries.” Indeed, it begins with defining what we need to feel happy, healthy, and secure, and working to protect those parts as they can boost our wellbeing and allow us to be at our best at work and home. Without boundaries, we can feel like our resources are being overextended and, as a result, feel stressed and burned out because we move to the beat of others, rather than our rhythm.
2. Maintains your self-respect. Keeping your boundaries means you respect yourself. Breaking it shows that your commitment to yourself is not as important. One of my clients used to take walks outside every lunchtime for 30 minutes for his mental and physical fitness. When his colleague started asking to meet during that time slot, he stopped his walking routine and initially did not realize the toll it was taking on him. He conversed with his peer to select a different time of the day, and when it was fine with him, my client was relieved that he could return to walking and feeling good. If time passes and his teammate keeps trying to schedule a meeting during that time, it would be up to my client to reiterate the message. You get in life what you allow, tolerate, and reinforce. If you tolerate disrespect, lateness, being underpaid, or being overworked, you will invite more of it because it sends a message to the other person that it is ok unless they hear otherwise. When you set a boundary, you teach people how you want to be treated. Life will organize around the standard you set.
3. Can maintain good relationships. While some believe a boundary can cause separation, it can have the opposite effect and strengthen relationships. In Robert Frost’s 1914 poem Mending Wall, he writes his famous line, “good fences make good neighbors.” It is a poem about two neighbors coming together to mend the wall that separates their two properties. The fence keeps the peace with the neighbors, allows each to be free in their space, and knows that the dividing line will limit any grey zones or ambiguity. They do not have to expend energy worrying about which crops or land belongs to whom because the line makes that clear.
4. Protects you from emotional and physical harm from others. Boundaries protect you from takers or needy people who may not have limits on their requests for your time. Helping others is essential and feels amazing, and at the same time, you want to ensure that help is not taken for granted and viewed as an invitation to request unlimited assistance. In Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules For Life, rule #3 is about making friends with people who want the best for you. He explains how it can be hard to distinguish between somebody who wants help or just exploiting your help. If somebody is going through a tough time and in a proverbial pit, if you reach your hand down, will they grab it to get on solid ground, thrive and appreciate your help, or will they grasp your arm and pull you down with them, wasting your support and being in a position where you both have to climb out of the pit. Creating boundaries on what you will and will not accept will protect you and strengthen all your relationships.
5. Maintains your engagement. Boundaries clarify responsibilities and expectations. Both employers and employees need to identify, set, and maintain them to keep people engaged, enhance creativity and strategic thinking, and deliver strong performance. When our time is intruded upon, it can cause us internal chaos and stress, contribute to lost productivity and poor performance and even cause people to quit because they feel they are not set up for success.
6. Simplify decision-making. Boundaries help you make decisions in line with your values, purpose, and vision because when you say no to one thing it is because you are saying yes to the things you deeply care about. It helps you not to invest time in things that do not fill you up.
While clear boundary setting offers many benefits, it is not always easy to set them. In fact, for some of us, it can be some of the hardest type of work we do. Here are some challenges:
1. They may view it as selfish. Some people are nervous about setting boundaries because they think they are being mean or selfish, that they are just thinking of themselves and not others. But a way to address any guilt is to reframe the experience because self-care is not the same as selfishness. Investing in yourself will allow you to maximize others even more. Also, whether you set a boundary or not, you cannot control what other people think, they may judge you regardless of your actions, so in that case, it is always better to opt on the side of taking care of your needs so you can better take care of others more efficiently.
2. They may have people-pleasing tendencies. Some people like to give to others because they feel it makes them worthy. They find it hard to say no to people because they want to make others happy, and be liked. They equate saying no as disappointing the other rather than viewing it as having nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with knowing their capacity. Some of these tendencies can be deep-rooted and traced back to insecurities developed in childhood or the way they were taught love by their parents, which is when they are doing things that their parents like (getting good grades and being a good kid), that’s when they got praise and affection rather than being loved for who they are.
3. There may be perceived power imbalances. Establishing boundaries with those who may have more power than you such as senior colleagues or your boss is tough. You may feel like it is part of your job to say yes. That’s understandable, but there are ways to communicate an accurate picture of the situation respectfully for more informed decisions to be made. You can check out my blog series on managing up for more on this topic.
4. They fear receiving a negative response. Maybe they have been chewed out before when they tried to establish boundaries and are worried the same will happen. Or, the stakes are too high, they can face retaliation, and they know it can ruin the relationship and they are not ready to go there so they avoid the situation altogether or comply rather than set a boundary. Sometimes we lack the energy to have another conversation, so we just go with the flow and ignore our needs because we think it is easier, and that might be true in the short-term, but in the long-term it will have more calamus consequences, and lead to resentment and an unhealthy relationship.
Boundaries are necessary for our physical wellness needs. They increase your self-respect, and relationships with others, and maintain your engagement. While it can be challenging to set them, it’s a muscle that grows easier the more it is exercised.
Quote of the day: “The boundary to what we can accept is the boundary to our freedom.” – Tara Brach
Q: Who do you know that has a firm boundary in place and what do you respect about it? Comment and share below; we would love to hear from you!
The next blog in this series 2/3 will focus on how to set boundaries.
As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to set and reinforce boundaries, contact me to explore this topic further.
How do you create your boundaries?