How does your company prevent difficult workers from getting hired? (Workplace Conflict Series 3/3)

How you treat people matters more than anything.  Companies should create a culture of respect, and every leader should have an obligation to uphold a no-jerk environment because it allows for great work to be done and it is simply the right thing to do.

The impact of a toxic worker is quite significant.  Experts say, when a team member procrastinates or displays a bad attitude, there is a real risk of social contagion, which drives down the morale and productivity of those around them. Susan Davis, author of Emotional Agility contends, “we all pick up on settle cues from others, and that affects our behavior and actions.” This behavior can lead to poor team efficiency, lower levels of commitment, and less of a focus on the shared goals.  Furthermore, ignoring the issue makes the problem more acute.  According to Allan Cohen, Babson Professor of Global Leadership, when people do not carry their weight, frustration grows because others need to do more.

Knowing this negative impact, here are some things a company can do to protect the culture from toxic workers:

1. Screen them out in the hiring process.  If you determine that somebody could exhibit toxic behavior, perhaps they care only about individual results at the expense of others, do not hire them, no matter how capable and brilliant they may be.  Professor of Management Science at Stanford University Bob Sutton said that toxic people make us less productive.  Maybe you cannot be certain if somebody has a lot of jerk behaviors during the interview, but you can do everything you can to find out more in the hiring process.  Luis Von Ahn, CEO and Cofounder of Duolingo offers this advice.  When you contact their reference, you can ask, “Did he/she work well with others?”  You are looking for a more definitive and enthusiastic response like “absolutely” over a more wishy-washy one – “yeah, for most people.”  Maybe you detect the reference is being coy, you can frame your questions to elicit specific choices.  For example, “what’s more likely - that this person will be a total pushover or a little manipulative?”  “Work more by themselves or inclined to work with others?”  Listen closely to these responses because they can contain the exact answers you are seeking. 

2. Align stated company values with practiced behaviors. If you ask a set of random employees, who are the superstars in the organization and you find out that they are the top producers who also happen to be toxic at times, it seems as if the company is rewarding bad behavior.  So how can you practice what you preach? If you care about teamwork, how are you building that in your incentive and promotion strategy to reward that kind of behavior?  For example, the stated values of Enron in the 90s were communication, respect, integrity, and excellence. They claimed they valued good behavior, but they actually rewarded ruthlessness and selfishness. When you incentivize individual achievement rather than promoting people based on how they elevate others, it contributes to a toxic culture. How about a mixed approach? Part of their compensation can be directly related to how much they have helped others, exhibited through observation and peer feedback, and part can be from their individual contributions.

3. Make the offenders aware of how they are treating people. You can offer “360 reviews” where leaders can receive valuable data from their peers, subordinates, direct reports, and others.  Sometimes it is just that awareness that their behavior is problematic which can be enough to course correct. When Cindy Hess, Partner at a law firm learned of some selfish behaviors she had which were revealed through reviews, she was stunned and took steps to make adjustments. Companies can offer management training programs to help build the cadre of soft skills that help leaders invest in others.  

Another way to raise awareness is for companies to provide a free-market approach where their subordinates have some say in choosing their boss or team lead. At Fenwick and West, Partners choose their associates to service their clients but Associates have every right to say no if they feel it is not a right fit.  They obviously prefer to pick Partners who they enjoy working with, who they can learn from, and who will take an interest in their development and career trajectory.  If none of the Associates are picking you, that exposes a hard truth.  Similarly, if there is a mentorship program and mentees get to pick who they want to work with based on reputation, and again you keep getting passed up, this needs to be explored and addressed.  To make sure leaders know how they are being viewed, the company does anonymous upward reviews were Junior Associates rate Senior Partners.  According to Glassdoor, Fenwick and West is one of the top Silicon Valley law firms to work for in terms of cultural excellence. 

4. Have a Zero Tolerance Policy. You cannot allow demeaning or disrespectful behavior from anybody, including upper management.  When companies act swiftly, it sends a message that this conduct will not be tolerated and employees will be protected.  This does not mean that there will be no hard conversations or people will not get upset from time to time, but that there will be consequences for repeated poor behavior.  If somebody is getting frequent complaints and they refuse to acknowledge the problem or change their behavior, they should be let go.  Studies show the presence of one person exhibiting toxic behavior can bring down a whole team, that it is better to have a hole in the team than to have an additional person that is not helpful. Studies also show that it is actually much more profitable to replace a worker displaying poor behavior with an average performer, as opposed to upgrading an average performer to star status, it is because the one who is showing negativity has a much more damaging impact.

There is no such thing as a perfect culture, but companies can do their best to create an environment that values support, respect, and positive interactions.  We spend so much of our time at work that it is only right to expect that we are treated with dignity so we can give our best performance.

Quote of the day: “I am thankful to all those difficult people in my life, they have shown me exactly who I do not want to be!” – Unknown

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with people to have difficult conversations, contact me to explore this topic further.

Q: How does your company protect you from toxic workers and maintain an amazing culture?  Comment and share below, we would love to hear from you!

Getting rid of a toxic culture begins with removing a toxic person

How Do You Deal With A Difficult Boss? (Workplace Conflict Series 2/3)

Steve Jobs has had a complicated legacy.  While few would doubt his visionary abilities, many would call into question his leadership style and weak interpersonal skills.  He has been described as deceitful and cruel, even by his friends.  It is known that he cheated his co-founder out of a big bonus and lied about it. While Walter Isaacson was conducting research when writing the biography of Jobs, Apple Engineer Johnny Ives told Isaacson that when Jobs got frustrated, his way to achieve catharsis was to hurt someone.  According to Ives, Jobs felt he had the liberty and license to do it.

Like Jobs, there are hundreds of other leaders who treat their employees poorly.  Research shows that leaders who demean their workers have rationalized their aggression because, at times, they can get short-term results so they feel vindicated in their unsavory behavior to achieve their goals. This problem is compounded when the long-term damage they are causing to others is invisible to them.  Bad bosses may also see the situation in black and white terms, thinking – “I have to use this behavior or I will not get these outcomes.” But there is a big difference between being demanding (having high expectations for others) and demeaning (devaluing other people, even treating them disrespectfully and making them feel worthless).  This tradeoff does not need to exist because it is possible to show respect and set a high bar.  Kim Scott’s Radical Candor uses this exact leadership approach – caring for somebody personally and challenging them professionally.

The impact of toxic bosses can be quite detrimental.  Here are some company consequences: 

1. Negatively affects performance and reduces worker productivity. The presence of a bad boss can cause team members to make mistakes and doubt themselves. In one experiment with a medical team in Israel, a doctor berated his team and said he was not impressed with their medical care and that they would not last in the department for more than a week.  In the ensuing days, the percentage of an accurate diagnosis by the team went down by 20% and the procedures they did were 15% less effective.  When we work with somebody who has abused us mentally, our cognitive abilities decline.  Essentially, working with an angry boss makes us dumber.  In another experiment, students were instructed to walk into a testing room, but instead accidentally walked into the professor’s office.  Immediately, the professor berated the students and said, “Are you not smart enough to see the do-not-disturb sign?” They then took a math test and solved a quarter fewer anagrams correctly compared to the students who were not just lambasted.

2. Less likely to help others.  In that same experiment, people who were just scolded by the professor opted not to help others when they had the opportunity to do so.  In another experiment, as students were leaving the school building after enduring some harsh words, they saw a few classmates drop a bunch of books and choose to keep walking instead of helping to pick them up.  The best teams are collaborative ones so if people are holding back with their assistance, teams cannot reach peak performance.

3. Creates silence and shutdown.  Toxic bosses create an environment where people stay quiet because they want to avoid rocking the boat.  They are trying to stay under the radar because they do not want to be a target for any abuse. This significantly hurts teams and organizations because there is no feeling of psychological safety for people to contribute their ideas, especially when half-formed. Having that environment where you can comfortably share and be supported is a necessary component to reach collective intelligence and do great work.

Responses to Avoid

When you are feeling abused and wanting immediate reconciliation, it can be tempting to opt for less helpful responses that may feel good in the short-term but carry severe negative long-term consequences.  Here are some to avoid: 

1. Do nothing and endure. This decision can eat you up inside and cause resentment.  The discontent cannot only manifest at the workplace but also at home and create an unhappy disposition with the people you care for the most.  When we continuously repress our feelings, it comes out in other ways, often when we least expect it or cannot afford for it to leak out.

2. Fight back at the moment.  It is not the best idea if you have not collected your thoughts, yet choose to unleash them spontaneously for the sake of justice.  After all, you believe that this person simply cannot go around rebuking people the way they do, and you are going to be the person to change their behavior.  The problem with this savior mentality is that it is immediately going to put the person on the defensive and they have been playing the angry-and-public-ridicule game for much longer than you have so picking a fight on their turf may be gratifying at the moment, but most likely does not lead to a productive resolution.

Responses to Consider

Here are some helpful steps you can take to confront your boss thoughtfully and productively so you can decide your next move:

1. Focus on personal impact.  See if you can find a respectful way of letting them know the impact they are having on you.  People sometimes do not see how upsetting, demeaning, and unprofessional their actions are to you, your team, or the organization.   Other people's intentions only exist in their hearts and minds so we cannot assume that we know them. We feel hurt so we think that they intended to hurt us, but when we can disentangle intent from impact and apply curiosity, we can get more information on how best to respond and understand why this is occurring.  The best-case scenario is that they understand just how much you have been affected and take steps to change their behavior.

2. Change teams. If you believe in your company’s purpose and vision but are having a hard time with the manager, see if you can change teams so you are no longer reporting to your boss. If enough people are requesting a transfer, it will become obvious where the source of the problem exists.

3. Change jobs.  If you conclude that the other person had intentions to hurt you or does not plan on changing, and this is typical of what goes on in different parts of the organization, you may want to consider leaving your job.  What is all this heartache and pain costing you?  Find that leader in a people-first company who will not only treat you with dignity but will inspire you and bring out your very best.

The big question that people always ask about Steve Jobs is - did he have to be so mean?  Walter Isaacson would argue that he succeeded in spite of his cruelty, not because of it. The kindness routes are always the better paths to travel down because you will get better results and create stronger relationships along the way.

Quote of the day:  “Having a bad boss isn't your fault. Staying with one is.” -Nora Denzel 

Q: How have you handled a difficult boss? Comment and share with us, we would love to hear your opinions.

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with people to have courageous conversations, contact me to explore this topic further.

[The next blog in this series 3/3 will focus on what organizations can do to prevent difficult people from tanking the culture]

How do you handle a difficult boss?

Have you mastered the art of working with a difficult Teammate? (Workplace Conflict Series 1/3)

There is always that one person you work with whose job is to make everybody’s life just a little more difficult.  They show nuanced passive-aggressiveness by hinting at what they dislike instead of having clear communication, they take credit for wins they have not contributed to, they dole out blame unfairly, they provide misleading or incomplete information to make your work more cumbersome than it has to be.  They can also display their difficulty in more obvious ways – raising their voices, ridiculing, complaining, and showing an overall foul attitude.  This person may behave this way either because they are unaware of their actions or because they know exactly what they are doing and simply do not care or cannot control it.  Do you know who I am talking about? 

If you find yourself working with somebody who is making your job more stressful and you do not have the power to separate from that person, there are still actions you can take to ameliorate the situation.

It all begins with a clear conversation to increase understanding.  Here are helpful tips when approaching your discussion:

1. Assume you do not know instead of jumping to conclusions.  Management Professor at Babson College Allan Cohen says that it is human nature to make assumptions about other people’s motives, even when we lack real evidence.  It is how our brains work, but this shortcut does not always lead to the right conclusions. Instead of assuming that somebody is trying to make your life more arduous, you can ask: “I don’t know what is going on, but whatever it is, would you like to figure it out together?” “I noticed when I share my opinion, you talk over me, and I’m unable to finish my thoughts, I’d love to learn more about that behavior and how we can work together more effectively.”  When you are curious and sincere, you can uncover information for the best resolution.

2. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt.  It is usually true that each person will think the other is being a jerk and that they are trying to hurt, embarrass, or upset one another. But what if this was not true?  In that case, it is best to apply curiosity and turn the discussion into a learning conversation so you can get to the root of the behavior.  When you assume the best intentions, you are more likely to approach the situation with an open mind and be receptive to the information for real change to occur. There is something important about entering a conversation and putting aside your frustrations and emotions at the moment to think about how you can serve the other person while also handling yourself well.

3. Understand the person’s motives. Asking empowering questions can help you understand your teammates’ motives so you know how to work best with them.  Questions such as, what else is going on for you right now or what is motivating you, can be illuminating.  When you inquire about their interests, motivations, and priorities, you get a better sense of their perspective and can learn about what causes their behavior and how you can work with their style and intentions.

4. Label the person’s behavior.  Neil Rackman, President of Huthwaite Inc. examined the difference between an expert and an average negotiator and found that experts are more likely to label other people’s behavior and confirm their understanding.  If somebody starts yelling during the conversation, you can take a step back and call out their behavior. “It seems like yelling is one of your favorite motivational strategies.  Do you think that is going to be effective here?”  This approach puts them in a logical frame of mind so they can recognize the behavior and adjust.  You can also take a break by saying, “It seems like we may need a minute (in a calm, monotone voice), I’m going to get a cup of coffee, would you like one?” Taking those few minutes will allow each of you to regroup and reenter the conversation in a more productive way.

5. Adjust your expectations.  It can be helpful to know that sometimes people are not going to behave well either because they are having a bad day or maybe they have never been given the tools to learn how to handle themselves well in a professional context or as human begins in general.  For whatever reason people do not show up as their best selves or maybe their best is not good enough, it is helpful to adjust your expectations.  You cannot assume that somebody has the same experience, tools, training to handle situations well or in the way that you would. 

6. Provide choice.  If you find yourself in a tough conflict, you can offer a choice by saying the following, “We arrived at this moment because we may have had different expectations, and now that we have run into the issue, here are some options I can think of to resolve the dilemma, which one do you think is best?”  When you present them with a series of options that you are comfortable with, you give them some control over the process and it makes a difference because people love choices. 

The key to dealing with conflict on the team is to retrace the steps to see how you got here, see each other’s perspective, build understanding, and move forward together on a more productive note.  When you are curious and approach people positively, you may be pleasantly surprised.

Quote of the day: “Show respect even to people that don’t deserve it; not as a reflection of their character, but as a reflection of yours.” – Author Dave Willis

Q: How have you handled a tough teammate?  What’s your favorite strategy for achieving peace with them? Comment and share below; we would love to hear from you!

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with people to have difficult conversations, contact me to explore this topic further.

[The next blog in this series 2/3 will focus on dealing with a difficult boss]

How do you handle a difficult teammate?

You Survived A Difficult Conversation, What’s Next? (Difficult Conversations Series 4/4)

Planning to have a difficult conversation can be all-consuming that we usually do not think about the aftermath, and what’s needed to maintain the relationship and minimize the potential awkwardness.

Here are some steps you can take following a difficult conversation:

1. Acknowledge the conversation. When you see your coworker, you can say, “I really appreciated the way we handled that tough talk yesterday and am looking forward to working more powerfully with you!”  You can even check in with the other person. “Just wanted to see how you were feeling about our exchange yesterday?”  “Your relationship is important to me and I am happy we had that talk.”

2. Focus on the positive. You can try this, “I love the way we came together to identify a touchy issue.”  You can thank them for engaging in the talk so they feel valued and appreciated.

3. Progress the conversation. Send a follow-up email to summarize the discussion and focus on the outcome that you want.  Clear next steps create significant momentum.  Also, having a written record tracks any differences in memory, perspective, and understanding and can also prioritize accuracy when new information comes to light. 

4. Focus on building the long-term relationship.  Pay attention to building a relationship outside the challenging conversation. What other topics can you explore together that will unearth new commonalities in which to solidify your bond?  The executive decisions that went into season 8 of Game of Thrones is always a scintillating topic guaranteed to yield great discussions.

5. Do it again if necessary. Upon reflection, if you feel like you have something new to share, do not wait to broach the topic. There is no harm in going back and saying something like “I feel I did not get the chance to really explain my point of view. Do you have some time so I can articulate it better?” Of course, that will probably lead to a reply, and thus to a new awkward conversation, but since you have the experience so that will not be a problem anymore.

In every relationship, there is the potential to encounter a massive challenge that can either solidify or break the bond. Choosing to communicate effectively and taking the necessary relationship-building steps after the difficult conversation can go a long way in reaching the next level in your interactions.

Quote of the day: “The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.”  -Dorothy Nevill

Q: What is one thing you did after a tough conversation to restore your relationship?  Comment and share with us, we would love to hear from you!

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to have courageous conversations, contact me to explore this topic further.

The aftermath of a conversation

The DOs and DON’Ts of Effective Communication (Difficult Conversations Series 3/4)

Communication is a delicate art because there is a balance between expressing yourself effectively and sharing how you fully feel, while also not offending the other person and turning them away.  When deep understanding happens, it is a beautiful thing.  Even when there is no agreement, as long as there is shared meaning and mutual respect, it is quite a good feeling.

Here are some common things to avoid, which will help to promote a healthy exchange:

1. Do not wait too long. If we avoid the conversation for so long, our frustration can accumulate. Unexpressed feelings tend to fester and can reappear in the discussion in nasty and subtle ways.  It can also be hard for us to listen to the other side properly until we have said our peace. You may find yourself in a situation where you speak out against your boss on an agenda item that is not really so much about that issue, but more about the anger you are harboring for the past several months because you have been passed over for a promotion and don’t know why.

2. Avoid name-calling, blaming, and comparing. Saying somebody is a jerk is not helpful and when you choose to attack the person rather than stick to the ideas, it is a visible sign of an unhealthy exchange.  Saying somebody should be more like this person puts them down and makes them feel bad, which is not accomplishing anything.  If things heat up to an uncomfortable note, you can step away and resume at a later date so the distance can create more perspective.

3. Avoid extreme language. When you say, “you always” or “you never,” it raises their defensive walls and entrenches the characteristic to be more of a personality trait instead of a symptom of their action. A better option is to use safe language, such as, “when this happens, this is how it makes me feel.”

4. Do not judge. By saying, “that is wrong,” you are implying a moral judgment.  Instead, Author Marshall Rosenberg, the author of Nonviolent Communications, suggests that offering an observation is more powerful.  If somebody cuts you off when you are speaking, you should not say, “you are rude” because it is laced with judgment, instead, you can say, “when you interrupt me, it is hard for me to get my point across,” or “when you interrupt me, I feel as if you do not want to hear my thoughts.”

5. Do not assume. It is so common to come to a conversation with a story in your mind. My teammate does not care about my project because he/she does not attend meetings. My boss does not care about my career because he/she has not given me a promotion yet. It is also common to assume we know the other person’s intentions based on our feelings.  If we are hurt, we think they hurt us on purpose. Impact does not equal intent. But when we take an approach with a conclusion set in our mind, we leave little room for dialogue and understanding to occur.  To have a productive conversation, be open to the fact that you may not know the whole story. 

6. Do not apologize for your feelings. By saying, “I feel so bad about sharing this or this is really hard for me to do,” you can take away the focus from the problem and towards your neediness.  

Here are some helpful reminders of what you can do in a conversation to yield the best results:

1. Prepare. Before going into the conversation, ask yourself some questions: What is your purpose for having the conversation? What would be an ideal outcome?  The best outcome is when it is a positive and productive one, such as to forge a better working relationship.  If the purpose is to demonstrate your superiority, such as, I’m going to tell this person how this should be done (because you are stroking your ego and not genuinely wanting to help the other person), you may want to choose a more useful purpose.

2. Check your insecurities first.  Examine the root cause of the frustration, perhaps it has more to do with you and less about the other person.  Maybe you notice that somebody is speaking up in a meeting and taking all the attention.  Is it really about other people not getting a chance to contribute or does it pertain more to your inability to hold a room the way that person can and the way you want to?  Think about what “buttons” of yours are being pushed?  Are you blowing the situation out of proportion?  Is a personal history of yours being triggered?  You can still have the conversation but you need to be honest about what baggage you are carrying that may not be productive. Aim to have an honest conversation with yourself first.

3. Be direct. When having a difficult conversation, be straightforward and get to the point. While it might seem like you are being too harsh diving right into the constructive critique, you are doing the other person a favor. Most of the time, the person you are talking to knows that a potentially challenging comment is coming, so rather than dancing around the subject, just get to it. When you are muddled in your delivery, it can prolong and even prevent a solution. 

4. Say AND not BUT. When the first half of your comments agree with the other person and then you use the word “but” as your transition, you lessen the value of everything that came before.  Instead, you can disagree by using the word AND because somebody does not have to be wrong for you to be right.  Two things can be happening at the same time.  For example, “I know you care about the team and feel overworked which is why you do not respond to emails frequently…” 

5. Be present. Sounds easy but we do not always do it because our attention often gets hijacked.  Research shows that our mind wonders 50% of the time, and when you add the dozens of texts and emails we receive, our focus gets that much harder.  Multitasking screams disrespect.  Instead, show them that you are actively listening by doing small things like making eye-contact and paraphrasing what they have said as it demonstrates your take on the situation and allows the person to correct the record and feel heard.

A conversation can be a delicate dance between offering, hearing, and mutually exploring. For the most effective and satisfying conversations, it may be helpful to avoid tactics such as namecalling and judging, while embracing more productive ones such as preparing and being aware of our own assumptions.

Quote of the day: “Be brave enough to start a conversation that matters.”  -Margaret Wheatley

Q: What other suggestions can you add to enhance a conversation?  Comment and share with us, we would love to hear.

The next blog in this series 4/4 will focus on the aftermath of a difficult conversation.

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to have courageous conversations, contact me to explore this topic further.

Let’s talk

Your Conversation Just Took A Downturn, Now What? (Difficult Conversations Series 2/4)

So, you have taken all the necessary precautions to have a conversation that you have long put off.  Just when you think that all your preparation is paying off, the conversation spirals out of control and it is devolving into unhealthy discourse.  Usually, it is when a person feels unsafe that they may resort to unproductive methods such as withholding information or forcing their ideas.  Rest assured, all hope is not lost.  If you determine that the person you are speaking to is reasonable, rational, and decent, there are a few things you can do to get it back on track. And if you determine the person is illogical or unreasonable, well, you can always run away.

It is helpful to spot these unproductive tactics that one can use in a conversation:

1. Use of violence. Author Kerry Patterson defines violence as “any verbal strategy that attempts to convince, compel, and control others to your point of view.” When you dominate the conversation, cut people off, overstate your opinions, or make demands, such as “you have to do this,” it is quite harmful.  These tactics violate the safe exchange of ideas because it is aiming to force meaning into the shared pool of understanding and prevents the other person from openly contributing; hence, a mutual agreement cannot be reached. Similarly, trying to get your way at any means necessary by name-calling, manipulating, or acting like you are the only one who has dignity is counterproductive.

2. Use of Silence. This is when a person decides to withhold information, mask their true meaning or withdraw from the conversation. A meeting of the minds cannot be reached if only one side is sharing.

3. Fixation on blame. Maybe you notice that the other person is trying to chronicle all the times when you were at fault and to blame.  It is one thing to cite previous examples to illustrate your point briefly, but it becomes fruitless when the person is hooked on the past and not interested in moving the dialogue forward.

4. Wanting the other person to be a mind reader. You can think to yourself, I just told the person I was overworked, that should have been a clear signal that they should not give me more work. It would be wonderful if we could all pick up on clues, but it is even more incredible when we can say what you mean, instead of dropping a hint and hoping they pick up on it. Being crystal clear is kind.

5. Track switching. This is what occurs when two people are not on the same page so they are talking past each other. You may broach the topic of lateness and the other person ignores it and brings up your inability to respond to emails in a timely manner. Now, there are two topics on the table, so it is essential to tackle them one at a time or progress will not be made.

When disruptive tactics are employed, here are some helpful techniques to make progress:

1. Label the behavior.  If the person is continually interrupting, say so, because it brings the issue to the forefront and raises it as a point of discussion.  They may not be aware that they are behaving in this manner and it is only when you name the dynamic that you notice, which could prompt them to stop.  Here are some examples…

·      If they go off track, you may say, “I see that when I am trying to hash out this issue, we keep returning to this other aspect.  How would you feel about finishing this one topic before moving on to another?”

·      “I notice when I try and share my view, you interrupt me and I cannot complete my thought.  Do you think we can speak in briefer time frames so we can finish our thoughts and hear the other person?”

·      “It seems like there is a real focus on blaming me.  It is not okay to only look at my contribution, but it is necessary to look at both sides of the issue.”

2. Prime. If the person is intent on being silent, it could be useful to keep the conversation going by encouraging them back into the talk by suggesting something you think they are feeling or pondering. When you prime or guess what they are thinking, it allows them an opportunity to respond.

·      You can say, “Are you thinking that the only way to do this is to …?”

3. Contrast. When you see the conversation going in an unhappy direction, you can use a contrast statement, which is a simple sharing of what you do not want to happen followed by what you want.  This will address the other person’s concerns and clarify the real purpose. Examples: 

·      “I do not want you to think that I am dissatisfied with your work, instead I value punctuality and want to work on that.”

·      “I know this is difficult and I do not want to upset you, rather, I want to partner in a more empowering way so we can be happy.”

4. Return to the common goal. If the conversation becomes heated, you can take a step back and remind each other that you are not enemies, but in fact on the same side.  Focus on the common goal you share.  For example:

·      You could say, “We both want this project to go well so we can get our bonuses and be proud of our work.”

·      “I do not want to argue, I want to find a way where both of us can get what we want.”

·      “I know we both genuinely care about making this client happy.”

5. Focus on problem-solving and the future. Maybe your coworker keeps returning to something that happened in the past and every time you shift the conversation forward, he/she rewinds.  You can focus on what you want to bring about, what you want to see, not what you have already seen. Here are examples:

·      “If we put our heads together, we can probably come up with a way to move past this.  Do you have any ideas?”

·      “The goal of this conversation is to work together more powerfully, what is the best way you think this can happen?”

·      “Clearly, you think this is unfair, so how can we fix this?”

To have a fruitful conversation, we need to do everything in our power to do our part in contributing to a positive outcome.  Using some of these techniques can go a long way in creating breakthrough understandings and deepening relationships to be more meaningful.   At the end of the day, if it does not work out as planned, it will not be because of a lack of conversational intelligence or effort on your part.

Quote of the day: “In conversation avoid the extremes of forwardness and reserve.” – John Byrom

Q: How has your communication style changed from when you were a kid?  Which technique did you unknowing use then, how about now?  Comment and share below, we would love to hear from you!

The next blogin this series 3/4 will focus on the DOs & DON’Ts of effective communication.

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to have courageous conversations, contact me to explore this topic further.

Avoid ineffective communication

How To Have Difficult But Caring Conversations (Difficult Conversations Series 1/4)

Most people dread the difficult, challenging conversation that needs to happen. This could include giving unpleasant feedback, following up with your boss about a raise she/he said would happen, but has not, or confronting a teammate about their problematic performance and work habits.  If these situations are not handled with great care, it could not only explode in your face but also make the other person feel like their very competency and sense of worth are called into question.

It is natural to want to avoid these conversations because of the potential for things to go wrong. On the flip side, having the conversation can deliver a great sense of relief from the trepidation that fills our mind.  When we are constantly thinking about these delicate and intense exchanges, stress and negativity can consume our thoughts and distract us from our most important work. Instead of avoiding these moments, learning how to tackle them head-on can be one of the best ways to reduce your anxiety and even advance your career.

In his landmark book, Crucial Conversations, Kerry Patterson et al. defines a crucial conversation as a critical conversation when stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong so thought and care are required for the exchange.

If you plan on confronting somebody with an issue, here are some steps you can take to make it go as smoothly as possible:

1. Make an appointment.  Let the person know the nature of the talk so they can adequately prepare and not be thrown off and perhaps instinctually defensive.  A right moment for you does not mean the timing works for them as well.

2. Share your goal. It is critical to articulate your desired outcome.  Do you want to share how a comment that was made in a meeting impacted you? Maybe an ideal result could be to have that person stop speaking for you. Perhaps you noticed that the relationship had been soured and your goal is to return it to the way things used to be?  Clueing the other person in on your intention would ease their natural defense mechanism and you may even discover that you have a common goal in getting the project completed on time and doing an amazing job, even if you have different visions on how to get there.

The next few suggestions come from a model used in Crucial Conversations called STATE – State the facts, Tell the story, Ask for their perspective, Talk tentatively, and Encourage testing. 

3. State the facts. When you recount the specific things that happened, it lays the groundwork for all delicate situations because they see what went into you forming your conclusions.   For example:

·      When you do not show up for team meetings, do not deliver work on time, and do not share your opinions…

·      When I fail to get a payment from you for several weeks, and you do not respond to my emails…

4. Tell your story. These are the facts plus the conclusion. Once you have shared the facts, let them know how you arrived at your findings so they can fully understand your thought process. For example:

·      When you do not show up for team meetings, do not deliver work on time, and do not share your opinions… it seems as if you do not care about this project or are not putting in the same efforts as your teammates.

·      When I fail to get a payment from you for several weeks and you do not respond to my emails, I worry that you will never pay me.

5. Ask for their story. It is vital to get their take on the story so you have the full picture.  Do not assume you already know it so encourage them to share and listen thoroughly to what they have to say.  If true understanding is to happen and a resolution is to be reached, communication has to be a two-way street. Examples:

·      I’m probably not seeing the whole story, can you help me see what is going on or happening on your end?

·      I’m starting to think you may not care about this team, do you have another explanation? What am I missing?

When the other person is sharing, it is vital to listen with curiosity because valuable insight will be shared for you to navigate the conversation better and build a connection for greater understanding to take place.  When you can stand in their shoes and see their perspectives, you have a better chance of reaching an agreement and satisfying all needs.

6. Co-create success. It is always a good idea to engage your colleague in a problem-solving exercise to make the exchange more collaborative versus combative. Examples:

·      I hear you saying you are okay with this approach, but it looks as if maybe you still have some concerns, is that right, should we talk through them?

·      What outcomes are essential to both of us?  What constraints do we both have that we need to be aware of?  What is important to each of us that the other might not be aware of?

·      I hear you are concerned with getting certain people to leave this team to complete the project.  If we can get the right people, what can the campaign look like?

7. End with a thank you. These two words work in almost any situation, it creates closure in a difficult conversation.

The two other parts to Patterson’s STATE acronym include:

·      Talk tentatively. When you are convinced of the information and act in a forceful, dogmatic manner, you can invite unnecessary resistance.  In contrast, when you are tentative and more open in your approach, you can comfortably include the other person into the dialogue.  Examples can include: “This is my opinion…,” or “I’m thinking out loud here….”

·      Encourage testing. This approach is a way to draw out more of their response if you feel they are not sharing fully. Example: I’d like to take a stab at something here, I wonder if part of the reason why you do not submit your work on time is because you do not feel connected to the team or are not challenged by the work?

An effective conversation does not just include pure content, it is also about the way the information is presented and the intention to reconcile the difference in a caring and fair way.  The best approach to a satisfying outcome is to get as much information as you can so understanding can occur.  Indeed, a difficult conversation can be an opportunity for connection.

Question to consider: What is a constructive approach you have taken to handle a challenging conversation? We would love to hear your thoughts!

Quote of the day: “One good conversation can shift the direction of change forever.” –Linda Lambert

The next blog in this series 2/4 will focus on what happens when your difficult conversation detours.

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to have courageous conversations, contact me to explore this topic further.

We need to talk…