So, you have taken all the necessary precautions to have a conversation that you have long put off. Just when you think that all your preparation is paying off, the conversation spirals out of control and it is devolving into unhealthy discourse. Usually, it is when a person feels unsafe that they may resort to unproductive methods such as withholding information or forcing their ideas. Rest assured, all hope is not lost. If you determine that the person you are speaking to is reasonable, rational, and decent, there are a few things you can do to get it back on track. And if you determine the person is illogical or unreasonable, well, you can always run away.
It is helpful to spot these unproductive tactics that one can use in a conversation:
1. Use of violence. Author Kerry Patterson defines violence as “any verbal strategy that attempts to convince, compel, and control others to your point of view.” When you dominate the conversation, cut people off, overstate your opinions, or make demands, such as “you have to do this,” it is quite harmful. These tactics violate the safe exchange of ideas because it is aiming to force meaning into the shared pool of understanding and prevents the other person from openly contributing; hence, a mutual agreement cannot be reached. Similarly, trying to get your way at any means necessary by name-calling, manipulating, or acting like you are the only one who has dignity is counterproductive.
2. Use of Silence. This is when a person decides to withhold information, mask their true meaning or withdraw from the conversation. A meeting of the minds cannot be reached if only one side is sharing.
3. Fixation on blame. Maybe you notice that the other person is trying to chronicle all the times when you were at fault and to blame. It is one thing to cite previous examples to illustrate your point briefly, but it becomes fruitless when the person is hooked on the past and not interested in moving the dialogue forward.
4. Wanting the other person to be a mind reader. You can think to yourself, I just told the person I was overworked, that should have been a clear signal that they should not give me more work. It would be wonderful if we could all pick up on clues, but it is even more incredible when we can say what you mean, instead of dropping a hint and hoping they pick up on it. Being crystal clear is kind.
5. Track switching. This is what occurs when two people are not on the same page so they are talking past each other. You may broach the topic of lateness and the other person ignores it and brings up your inability to respond to emails in a timely manner. Now, there are two topics on the table, so it is essential to tackle them one at a time or progress will not be made.
When disruptive tactics are employed, here are some helpful techniques to make progress:
1. Label the behavior. If the person is continually interrupting, say so, because it brings the issue to the forefront and raises it as a point of discussion. They may not be aware that they are behaving in this manner and it is only when you name the dynamic that you notice, which could prompt them to stop. Here are some examples…
· If they go off track, you may say, “I see that when I am trying to hash out this issue, we keep returning to this other aspect. How would you feel about finishing this one topic before moving on to another?”
· “I notice when I try and share my view, you interrupt me and I cannot complete my thought. Do you think we can speak in briefer time frames so we can finish our thoughts and hear the other person?”
· “It seems like there is a real focus on blaming me. It is not okay to only look at my contribution, but it is necessary to look at both sides of the issue.”
2. Prime. If the person is intent on being silent, it could be useful to keep the conversation going by encouraging them back into the talk by suggesting something you think they are feeling or pondering. When you prime or guess what they are thinking, it allows them an opportunity to respond.
· You can say, “Are you thinking that the only way to do this is to …?”
3. Contrast. When you see the conversation going in an unhappy direction, you can use a contrast statement, which is a simple sharing of what you do not want to happen followed by what you want. This will address the other person’s concerns and clarify the real purpose. Examples:
· “I do not want you to think that I am dissatisfied with your work, instead I value punctuality and want to work on that.”
· “I know this is difficult and I do not want to upset you, rather, I want to partner in a more empowering way so we can be happy.”
4. Return to the common goal. If the conversation becomes heated, you can take a step back and remind each other that you are not enemies, but in fact on the same side. Focus on the common goal you share. For example:
· You could say, “We both want this project to go well so we can get our bonuses and be proud of our work.”
· “I do not want to argue, I want to find a way where both of us can get what we want.”
· “I know we both genuinely care about making this client happy.”
5. Focus on problem-solving and the future. Maybe your coworker keeps returning to something that happened in the past and every time you shift the conversation forward, he/she rewinds. You can focus on what you want to bring about, what you want to see, not what you have already seen. Here are examples:
· “If we put our heads together, we can probably come up with a way to move past this. Do you have any ideas?”
· “The goal of this conversation is to work together more powerfully, what is the best way you think this can happen?”
· “Clearly, you think this is unfair, so how can we fix this?”
To have a fruitful conversation, we need to do everything in our power to do our part in contributing to a positive outcome. Using some of these techniques can go a long way in creating breakthrough understandings and deepening relationships to be more meaningful. At the end of the day, if it does not work out as planned, it will not be because of a lack of conversational intelligence or effort on your part.
Quote of the day: “In conversation avoid the extremes of forwardness and reserve.” – John Byrom
Q: How has your communication style changed from when you were a kid? Which technique did you unknowing use then, how about now? Comment and share below, we would love to hear from you!
The next blogin this series 3/4 will focus on the DOs & DON’Ts of effective communication.
As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to have courageous conversations, contact me to explore this topic further.
Avoid ineffective communication