Communication is a delicate art because there is a balance between expressing yourself effectively and sharing how you fully feel, while also not offending the other person and turning them away. When deep understanding happens, it is a beautiful thing. Even when there is no agreement, as long as there is shared meaning and mutual respect, it is quite a good feeling.
Here are some common things to avoid, which will help to promote a healthy exchange:
1. Do not wait too long. If we avoid the conversation for so long, our frustration can accumulate. Unexpressed feelings tend to fester and can reappear in the discussion in nasty and subtle ways. It can also be hard for us to listen to the other side properly until we have said our peace. You may find yourself in a situation where you speak out against your boss on an agenda item that is not really so much about that issue, but more about the anger you are harboring for the past several months because you have been passed over for a promotion and don’t know why.
2. Avoid name-calling, blaming, and comparing. Saying somebody is a jerk is not helpful and when you choose to attack the person rather than stick to the ideas, it is a visible sign of an unhealthy exchange. Saying somebody should be more like this person puts them down and makes them feel bad, which is not accomplishing anything. If things heat up to an uncomfortable note, you can step away and resume at a later date so the distance can create more perspective.
3. Avoid extreme language. When you say, “you always” or “you never,” it raises their defensive walls and entrenches the characteristic to be more of a personality trait instead of a symptom of their action. A better option is to use safe language, such as, “when this happens, this is how it makes me feel.”
4. Do not judge. By saying, “that is wrong,” you are implying a moral judgment. Instead, Author Marshall Rosenberg, the author of Nonviolent Communications, suggests that offering an observation is more powerful. If somebody cuts you off when you are speaking, you should not say, “you are rude” because it is laced with judgment, instead, you can say, “when you interrupt me, it is hard for me to get my point across,” or “when you interrupt me, I feel as if you do not want to hear my thoughts.”
5. Do not assume. It is so common to come to a conversation with a story in your mind. My teammate does not care about my project because he/she does not attend meetings. My boss does not care about my career because he/she has not given me a promotion yet. It is also common to assume we know the other person’s intentions based on our feelings. If we are hurt, we think they hurt us on purpose. Impact does not equal intent. But when we take an approach with a conclusion set in our mind, we leave little room for dialogue and understanding to occur. To have a productive conversation, be open to the fact that you may not know the whole story.
6. Do not apologize for your feelings. By saying, “I feel so bad about sharing this or this is really hard for me to do,” you can take away the focus from the problem and towards your neediness.
Here are some helpful reminders of what you can do in a conversation to yield the best results:
1. Prepare. Before going into the conversation, ask yourself some questions: What is your purpose for having the conversation? What would be an ideal outcome? The best outcome is when it is a positive and productive one, such as to forge a better working relationship. If the purpose is to demonstrate your superiority, such as, I’m going to tell this person how this should be done (because you are stroking your ego and not genuinely wanting to help the other person), you may want to choose a more useful purpose.
2. Check your insecurities first. Examine the root cause of the frustration, perhaps it has more to do with you and less about the other person. Maybe you notice that somebody is speaking up in a meeting and taking all the attention. Is it really about other people not getting a chance to contribute or does it pertain more to your inability to hold a room the way that person can and the way you want to? Think about what “buttons” of yours are being pushed? Are you blowing the situation out of proportion? Is a personal history of yours being triggered? You can still have the conversation but you need to be honest about what baggage you are carrying that may not be productive. Aim to have an honest conversation with yourself first.
3. Be direct. When having a difficult conversation, be straightforward and get to the point. While it might seem like you are being too harsh diving right into the constructive critique, you are doing the other person a favor. Most of the time, the person you are talking to knows that a potentially challenging comment is coming, so rather than dancing around the subject, just get to it. When you are muddled in your delivery, it can prolong and even prevent a solution.
4. Say AND not BUT. When the first half of your comments agree with the other person and then you use the word “but” as your transition, you lessen the value of everything that came before. Instead, you can disagree by using the word AND because somebody does not have to be wrong for you to be right. Two things can be happening at the same time. For example, “I know you care about the team and feel overworked which is why you do not respond to emails frequently…”
5. Be present. Sounds easy but we do not always do it because our attention often gets hijacked. Research shows that our mind wonders 50% of the time, and when you add the dozens of texts and emails we receive, our focus gets that much harder. Multitasking screams disrespect. Instead, show them that you are actively listening by doing small things like making eye-contact and paraphrasing what they have said as it demonstrates your take on the situation and allows the person to correct the record and feel heard.
A conversation can be a delicate dance between offering, hearing, and mutually exploring. For the most effective and satisfying conversations, it may be helpful to avoid tactics such as namecalling and judging, while embracing more productive ones such as preparing and being aware of our own assumptions.
Quote of the day: “Be brave enough to start a conversation that matters.” -Margaret Wheatley
Q: What other suggestions can you add to enhance a conversation? Comment and share with us, we would love to hear.
The next blog in this series 4/4 will focus on the aftermath of a difficult conversation.
As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to have courageous conversations, contact me to explore this topic further.
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