Does it offend you when someone pretends to have your own life more figured out than you do? They seem to waste no time in telling you what your relationships should be like, who you should spend your time with, what you should eat, who to vote for, what to believe in and what to reject.
The thing is, while advice is typically offered with the best of intentions, not all advice was created equal. That’s because there are two types of advice – the first kind is when you ask a trusted friend, coworker, or mentor who may have more experience and knowledge in the topic in which you are seeking guidance. Perhaps this person has a track record of making good decisions in this area and you want to tap into that. This could be akin to a relationship between a manager and employee, where the latter desires feedback from the former on various areas of improvement and trusts his/her judgment.
Then there is the other type of advice that could come from strangers, coworkers, and even friends that may not know you well enough or have sufficient details about the situation to warrant their eagerness to jump in and proselytize. When you give unsolicited advice, it can be seen as presumptuous, if not condescending to think that the person has not already thought about the solutions you are proposing. To be told things that you already know or have pondered can be frustrating. Often the ill-timing of the advice alone can provoke impatience at best, and defensiveness at worse. More so, when it quickly becomes obvious that they really only have a limited view of what is really going on, their advice is rendered inapplicable.
The Problem With Giving Unsolicited Advice Is That It Often Does Not Work
For most people, when somebody tells them to do or not to do something, it is hard not to feel scolded, offended, and to respond positively. The decisive tone and telling approach prevents the building of a positive relationship and invites more awkwardness. Going forward, you may politely listen but will not take note as most of us resent being told what to do.
Research on Reactance Theory informs us that whenever someone tells us what to do and how to do it, we respond defensively or defiantly because we want to maximize our personal freedom and decision-making. Here is the kicker, even when it is excellent advice, it may still prove largely ineffective to us.
Such being the case, why are people usually so keen on giving advice? Well, we live in a culture where people value telling over asking fueled by our strong points of view compelling us to share. When it comes to leaders, traditionally we have always expected them to be wiser and to set the direction which means they should tell rather than ask; the art of questioning becomes more difficult as status increases.
What are other strategies we can employ besides giving unwarranted advice?
1. We can do a better job listening and acknowledging. Often, people want to feel heard and the best way is to repeat back what you have absorbed. Epictetus said, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”
2. We can ask questions over telling. Sometimes people may be articulating an idea for the first time and the conversation can give them a chance to organize their thoughts randomly swirling around in their brain and get clarity on how they even feel. As a coach, I ask empowering questions to help my clients unlock their answers that may be eluding them. I find that when people contribute their ideas, they work harder than if they take the thoughts of others. Sure, we can engage in brainstorming where we generate different options, along with their pros and cons so we can have more data available, but ultimately, the decision belongs only to the individual who will feel the effects of that choice. Additionally, when we give others the autonomy to resolve their problems on their own, it can serve as a more durable learning experience in the end.
The next time you are compelled to solve other people’s problems, take a brief pause and listen. If you still have this burning desire to help, try asking if they are interested in your opinions. You may say, “I have some thoughts on this topic, would you like to hear them” and genuinely welcome whatever response they may provide.
Quote of the day: “Don’t give advice, unless you are asked” -Golf Hall of Famer Amy Alcott
Q: What is one thing you can do to support your friend or coworker besides giving advice? Comment and share with us, we would love to hear from you.
Advice is rarely the answer